TOLERATION ––– Not Good Enough

Toleration––Not Good Enough

In an effort to end discrimination and prejudice people have been called upon to tolerate those who are different from the majority. As a first step to bringing communal peace tolerating others is a good initial step, but not a final step. Suffering comes from being tolerated, from being in a group but not part of the group. Such surface social inclusion compliments the host group but frustrates the outsider. The new comer can’t help but feel inferior. The host group then fails to receive the full measure of respect and admiration that is possible.

Exclusion may not be deliberate. Skeletal enfolding may take the form of a cursory greeting. (eg. How are you? Response not heard.) People are often so busy with their own lives that they don’t have time to include anyone new. In other cases people are so interested in the lives of family and friends that they fail to take time to know more than the name and maybe work of a new comer never mind their interests.

What’s the harm? The new comer, feeling like a foreigner, may leave the group. While the host group loses the benefit of new skills, passions or points of view, the tolerated individual feels inadequate, perhaps even angry, anger that sees the welcoming group as a hypocrite. If that is as far as the troubled feeling goes an uneasy peace remains.

In Baggage Burdens. the light shines on the personal pain of a shallow enfolding through the limited acceptance of Joseph by a church group.

Welcome But Not Really

“I’m afraid I might end up like Uncle Mike. I’ll die alone, unmarried, without children.”

Jill shook her head. “No, you’re too nice a person.”

 “So was Uncle Mike. You see I live in a community, no near a community, that while they accept me, I know they don’t trust me. They don’t want me near their daughters. It’s like they’ve spread the word that I’m a leper or something. I attend all their social events, and I go to their church, but there is always a multitude of chaperones around their daughters when I’m around.  I’ve seen that’s not the case with other young guys.

I’ve even taken to looking for girl friends in nearby towns where I’ve done carpentry jobs. I’d come up empty, at least until I saw you last fall”

In Joseph’s case there were overt actions that clued him in that he didn’t really fit in the community. Some times the actions are subtler, but they have the same effect. The next blog looks at how Jill felt that she wasn’t part of the congregation. What actions lead her to that belief and how did she eventually respond?

Any club or group can isolate people by just tolerating them.

haiku capsules

                                                                            Welcome to our church.

                                                                            Keep away from our daughters.

That’s toleration.

Join me when I look at being alone in a congregation.

L O V E Flowing from the Heart

Love, Flowing from the Heart

“I’m not a loving person.” In Baggage Burdens. that is the self image that Jill has of herself. It’s an impression she formed when she was a rebellious teen. From the time Jill ran away from home to her years as a wife a reader may conclude Jill is right. She uses or manipulates others for her own benefit.

Bill, a person who attended the Family Conference in Chicago with Jill, would disagree. He’d probably say Jill not only has an empathetic ear, she responds in a supportive way. In the midst of a heavy snowstorm, Jill’s uncharacteristic loving initiative surprises Joseph, her husband.

in Bill’s prayer here is one of his memories from the Family Conference.

‘But Jill was so accepting. I told her things I couldn’t even say to myself, I couldn’t even tell You. I don’t know why I felt I could trust her. But I was right. I told her that even though Reverend Williams convinced me to go to the conference, I still felt like an abandoning husband. Jill didn’t see me as a monster.  She listened to me, talked with me, made me feel––’ he pauses, searching for words that described his feeling––‘I was a good man, a valuable person who had much to offer. What a relief! I could only conclude she was a gift from you.’

driving home in a heavy snowstorm

“Joseph, what’s wrong?”

Joseph sucks in a long deep breath. In a very low voice he says, “that radio warning––don’t drive unless you have to.” He falls silent again. His hand sweeps away another tear creeping out of the corner of his eye. “That’s like the warning my grandmother told me was issued when my parents tried to drive home from Grand Prairie. They didn’t heed it. They died.” He takes another deep breath. “I don’t want that for our children.”

Joseph’s arm shoots out pointing to the motel sign. “I knew it,” declares Joseph. “There’s a vacancy. Phone Julie. Tell her because of the roads we won’t be home tonight.”

Jill wonders what she can do distract Joseph from the sadness brought on by the memory of his parent’s snowstorm death. She remembers the opening scene of a play previewed for the drama club. A smile crosses her face.

“You coming?” repeats Joseph. He steps out of the car.

“You want a married woman to spend a night in a motel with you, right?”

The strange question stops Joseph. He states his affirmative answer. Turning around he looks at her, trying to figure out what she is up to.

“Do you think it’s wise that the clerk knows who the woman is that will be sharing your––”

“Whaaat?” says Joseph as he drags himself back into the car.

“Grabs your attention, doesn’t it?” says Jill grinning. “I just paraphrased part of an opening scene from a play our drama group half considered.”

“Jill, what does this have to do with anything?” A touch of annoyance colors Joseph’s response.

“Joseph, I want you to trade scenes, the depressing scene of your parent’s death for an alluring fantasy, a scene where a guy picks up an attractive women from a party and brings her to a motel for the night.”

Joseph digests her idea. He can’t believe he sees a playful smile. He dares to check it out. “A fling?” he ventures.

“With a mystery woman, a once-in-a-life-time opportunity,” clarifies Jill, grinning as she sees Joseph buying into her option. “A secret only you and I will know about.”

Are Jill’s loving actions above a case of a person can’t be all bad or a case of when one is safe loves flourishes?

a haiku capsule

                                                                            empathetic ear

                                                                            senses a painful sorrow

divert attention

My next blog shows tolerance is not good enough.

What Kids Know!

What Kids Know

Children are amazing. They often aren’t credited for knowing much. As a high school teacher, I enjoyed seeing students’ faces light up when, after discussing a historical event, they made a connection to a present day news story. In Baggage Burdens., I gave Jill that same pleasure when she, as a single parent, tells her children that they have to rake the leaves today. While her children’s response surprises her, Amber’s insight into how their father drafted them to work around the farm is wonderful to hear. A second example shows the depth that Amber understands her father when she sees him gazing on his deceased uncle’s oak tree.

    The next morning after everyone’s finished breakfast; Jill announces that the family will begin by raking leaves.

    “Oh boy!” responds Matt.

    “Oh boy?” Jill can’t believe her ears.

    “It’s fun,” explains Sarah. “We make a huge pile of leaves in the middle of the garden.”

    “And we race our bikes through it,” adds Matt.

    “Or we pile the leaves up and jump into it,” continues Sarah.

    “Yeh,” says Matt enthusiastically.

    “Or we burry you in the leaves,” adds Amber laughing at the prospect of covering her brother up again this year.

    “You’re kidding!” Jill’s shocked.

    “Dad always lets us do that,” says Sarah.

    “How do you think he sucks all of us into helping him,” explains Amber.

(When Joseph contemplated moving off the farm)

Joseph’s eye catches the top half of the oak tree beyond the garage, near the edge of the family garden. It was as if his Uncle Mike called him. Uncle Mike had planted that tree when he first moved on to the farm. Joseph strolls to it. Seeing a significant new growth always made Joseph proud of Mike.

“May this tree always be a testimony to my life here,” Mike said when Joseph visited him. Memories of Mike’s dreams for his farm return. As Joseph nears the oak, he turns to the weeping birch. Imitating Mike, after his uncle died Joseph planted the weeping birch on the opposite side of the garden. The trees helped Joseph during his grieving.

 (When Joseph visits the farm he used to live on)

When Amber stands beside her father, he points to the two trees and water dripping from the leaves. “See.” He pauses. “They’re crying. They’re happy to see me.”

Amber looks at the glistening water droplets falling from the leaves.

“They miss me.” Joseph’s voice is so low that Amber checks to see what causes her father’s unexpected response. She notices little droplets tracing down his face.

“You’re right Dad,” she says quietly, wrapping her arm around her father’s waist. ‘You miss them too.’

Amber’s insight surprises her parents.  As a parent I can say, “sound familiar?”

a haiku capsule

                                                                            unseen observer

                                                                            accumulates evidence,

child’s insight astounds

My next blog shows unexpectedly love surfaces.

I'm in Love

I’m in Love

As a captain may be married to his ship, I am to my novel. That means there are many things about it that I love. With refining the last draft of Baggage Burdens., before it goes to the publisher I look forward to one more opportunity to enjoy playful, dramatic, moving situations. I feel like one who sees a movie two and three times. Because I relish some scenes so much, I plan to share some of those moments in this year's blogs.

One playful scene that paints a smile is when Jill calls her children for a break after raking up the fall leaves.

“Break time,” Jill announces. She hobbles to the house for the jug of lemonade and package of muffins and oatmeal cookies.

When Jill sets them out on the patio table, her children are nowhere near. Shouts come from the garden. Upon investigating she finds Amber and Sarah wildly throwing handfuls of leaves at each other. Then Amber charges Sarah; catches her and promptly pins her to the ground. She begins stuffing leaves down Sarah’s cutoffs. Sarah’s screams only makes Amber scoop faster.

 In an effort to rescue her youngest daughter Jill hurries past a small pile of leaves. As she does, the pile erupts causing her to jump side ways and fall. Matt springs from the left and roars with laughter. He shouts to his sisters. The diversion saves Sarah from her sister’s torture. As Amber laughs and points at her mother, Sarah quickly approaches Amber from behind. Grabbing Amber’s elastic waistband she dumps a handful of leaves down her sweats. Before Amber can grab her sister, Sarah takes off. Jill’s mouth drops, as she witnesses Sarah’s foolhardy revenge.

Seconds later Sarah’s desperation cry pierces the air. “Matt. Help.” A huge armful of leaves rains down upon Jill’s head courtesy of her laughing son. Dry crunchy leaves invade Jill’s mouth. It starts a bout of coughing. Jill rolls away as fast as she can. She sits up in time to witness a cloud of leaves bursting forward to greet Sarah’s charging sister. Within seconds Amber locks a grip on Sarah. Matt bowls into the back of Amber’s legs causing them to buckle. Amber drops to the ground. Sarah and Matt scramble on top of Amber. Sarah stuffs leaves into Amber t-shirt as if she is filling an empty garbage bag.

Jill watches the youthful energy exhaust itself.

Writing opens the door to reliving a kid’s playful times, fun experiences making consequences invisible, at least for a while.

For Jill, the event above is a treasured moment.  As a new mother she had hoped to be her children’s friend as well as a parent. Their actions show she is fun to be with. Jill is successful.

a haiku capsule

                                                                            mound of raked fall leaves

explode, reveal laughing son.

family work, fun

My next blog shows a child’s surprising insight.

S P I R I T OF S U C C E S S

Spirit of Success

Success often provides encouragement and confidence for one to attempt new or more challenging projects. What if one doesn’t have success from which to build? People, working in a business setting, often benefit from a mentor.

In Baggage Burdens. Joseph’s mentor is his neighbor, Thomas. Jill’s mentor is her bakery employer, Mary.

Joseph inherited his uncle’s farm, knowing little about farming. Though Joseph helped his Uncle Mike on the farm, his primary purpose of visiting was social. If it weren’t for Thomas, Mike’s neighbor and friend, Joseph would have struggled as a farmer at best, or failed at worst. Joseph’s success in growing produce leads to him following Thomas into selling his goods at the Farmer’s Market in Camrose. Working with Thomas enables Joseph to develop as a carpenter. As Joseph hones his skills, he begins to work on building projects himself. Joseph’s reputation as a skilled craftsman spreads. He develops courage to take on contracts as a part time job and then as his full time job.

 Jill accepts a position as a waitress in a bakery coffee shop based upon her limited experience as a part time employee at a fast food establishment. From her bakery employer, Mary, Jill learns the value of knowing the likes and personalities of the bakery customers. In addition to remembering Mary’s stories about the bakery’s regulars, Jill learns the skill of eves dropping while serving. Her increased knowledge about the bakery patrons gives her the confidence to prepare and suggest new menu items. Then she serves at private parties in the bakery and eventually organizes and prepares the meals for those parties.

Perceived failure dampens confidence. Joseph’s first ten years of marriage feels like success. He and Jill work and plan their gardening. They raise Daniel and Amber together. Their marriage isn’t perfect. Jill has issues about being touched. Joseph understands Jill’s past is the cause. As Jill’s discomfort grows, Joseph’s sees she has lost her “bakery joy.” He feels he is failing as a good husband. Lack of success drives him to his good friends and neighbors, Thomas and Rebecca. Their advice helps, but Jill’s happiness is only temporary. Limited success stifles Joseph’s confidence. Habitually he turns to his good neighbors for help. That action irritates Jill.

Joseph’s failure, his lack of success counters the effect of a good mentor.

Is success crucial for confidence? What story can you tell?

The topic for my next blog is “I’m in love. I’m in love.”