Misreading Another's Motives

Misreading Another’s Motives

What’s he up to?

Why did she do that?

Unanswered frustrated questions leads to increased tension in any relationship and in a family setting can eat away at commitments to love and support each other. This observation is at the heart of strained relationships between Jill and her husband, Joseph, and between Daniel and his mother.

In moments of anxiety questions are often left unasked. Instead suppositions substitute. Fabricated answers in a negative setting intensify delicate relationships.

A picture of Daniel blowing air into balloons for his party while Joseph ties them grows a smile on Jill. ‘If I continued working at the bakery I wouldn’t have had Daniel.’ She reads the caption below the photo. Joseph’s words, My New Thomas, burn. Stories of how Daniel is a big help like Thomas surface.

‘That’s why he spends all his time with Joseph.’ A deeper more disturbing impression rocks Jill. ‘If I was a good mother, he’d have spent more time with me.’ She swallows as if there was something in her mouth she couldn’t chew. ‘I always wanted to be with my mother, but Daniel doesn’t. Why?’

Jill searches for ways to be involved in Daniel’s life. Missed opportunities frustrate her––the December tractor rides to look for a Christmas tree. Joseph’s no big deal did little to sooth her. Nor did his explanation later–– “the tractor-seat only had room for two. You would have had to ride in the trailer alone.” Board games contributed to a distancing between her and her son. Jill didn’t share Joseph and Daniel’s love of competition. She chose to watch them play.

‘It was only a game. I should have played.’

‘With Daniel going to school now, I’ll even have less time with him.’ Jill concedes she isn’t going to be any closer to Daniel. ‘I should have been more involved with Daniel. It’s time to try for another child. I’ll do better next time.’

While sitting in the airport Jill expects to be very busy when she returns home. With only a week before Christmas there’s preparing all Joseph’s Ukrainian dishes for Christmas Eve and decorating the house. ‘She remembers Joseph’s invitation to go out for a sleigh ride with Daniel and him to cut down a Christmas tree. She remembers I’m not tramping around in that deep snow. It’s too cold. Jill reconsiders her response. ‘Daniel loved it. He acted like he and his father shared a special mission. Even though he was only six it seemed like they swore a pact to always be there for each other. Maybe I should have gone.’

Momentarily she drifts back to her childhood searching for shared father-daughter events. None come to mind. ‘Doesn’t matter. I survived.’

Jill’s analysis returns. ‘Why can’t I be as close to Daniel as Joseph is?’

Jill doesn’t give up on trying to be more involved in her son’s life. After setting up homeschooling for her daughter, Amber, she tries to convince Daniel to join his sister. Daniel refuses. He likes being with his friends at school. Jill can’t accept being in second place for her son’s affection. To her she feels she’s like her father, disconnected with her child. Jill’s persistence to change Daniel’s mind about homeschooling creates a hostile environment.

Daniel rushes to his bedroom for his heavy black socks. After frantic searching, “Mom” rings out like an unwanted morning alarm. It is punctuated by slamming dresser drawers and another angry shout, “Mom.”  

Jill hurries to Daniel’s door. She no sooner steps into his room then he demands, “Where are my socks? You know. The ones I wear in my skates?”

In a restrained voice Jill answers. “In your skates, which are in the closet.”

“What are they doing there?” demands a frustrated Daniel.

“Waiting for you,” answers Jill. Her voice is a little higher. “I knew you would want them so I thought I’d put them in the skates so they would be handy for you.”

“You always put them in my drawer. How am I supposed to know that you put them in a different place? Can’t you do anything right?” He brushes by Jill.

Daniel mounts his horse and looks back at Thomas, who is still standing by the table. With a quick smile and a second wave Daniel rides to Eve’s at a fast trot. With each minute that passes he fights the impression that his mother is a selfish person. How could she not see what her desires are doing? How can she be so single minded? How could his father not see how unrealistic she’s being? By the time he reaches the Wicksberg residence he’s boiling. He has to do something about it.

How do you over come an antagonistic environment? Bill, Jill’s friend, coaches Jill on how to bridge the gap between her and her son, and later between her and her father.

haiku capsule:

              new Christmas practice        

                                going out to cut a tree     

                                father and son bond

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