Yes, Conservatives Do Grow

Yes, Conservatives Do Grow

Turned off by conservative people? Bothered by the idea that they are stuck in the past? Think that they will never change, be stagnant, die out? Well that’s not true. Even more, they can be seen as very interesting people.

Change may be resisted, slow, hard won, but it is possible. In my novel, Baggage burdens. small changes may be detected, like accepting outsiders like Uncle Mike, Joseph and Daniel. The danger in accepting new people in the community is they may bring or support strange ideas. Joseph actively supports a new initiative that began in the church––show your sons that they are more than valued laborers. They are loved members of the family. Good idea, until one sees the expression of that concept––a father/son long weekend holiday in early August––a farmer’s busy time.     

The annual church father/son campouts brings regret. Church leaders said too often the boys were valued farm labor. Fathers needed time to connect with their sons.

The first weekend of August requires much planning. This year Joseph is part of the planning committee. It’s his idea to camp out in Kananaskis. He recommends it because he knows many of the children enjoy horseback riding. Evan Starzak, Stan’s father, volunteers a friend from the sports shop to teach the boys archery. He suggests a contest with prizes after the lessons. That idea earns him a spot on the committee. Martin Shopka, the organizer of the food and supplies from the last five years, continues his role.

The three men spend time on the phone and meeting at each other’s homes planning the activities, duty rosters, and collecting the supplies. The least desired assignment is collecting the registration and fees. Every year three fathers object to prime harvest time being wasted on holidaying.

“In the end,” says Evan, “they bow to peer pressure.” He chuckles.

Objecting to the use of social pressure, Joseph declares, “That’s totally unacceptable.” He insists the best way to deal with those fathers is by way of one-to-one private conversations. He argues participating in the campout is an excellent faith expression. It shows our boys we count on the Lord, not on our own actions for getting the crops in on time. Also what better way is there to demonstrate our love for our sons? Our actions show they are more important than anything else.” Joseph’s enthusiasm pushes him even further. “Giving up a weekend when nothing important happens after the crops are in, paints a picture of a low value for our sons.”

haiku capsule:                 

passionate support

overrides a strong resistance

tradition adapts.

Next blog: Showing Fear

Trusting, A Compliment

Trusting, A Compliment

I love and trust you. When have you received that impression from someone? How often? Did that message come through their words or their actions? Most important, what did you do with a perception expressing such a high regard?  Accept it would be the logical answer, but what if you couldn’t accept it, couldn’t accept it because you think people don’t know your true nature. What could a person have possibly done that would lead them to deny expressions of trust? How bad could they really be?

In my novel, Baggage burdens. Jill’s dark side over rules the confidence that Jill’s friends have in her. Jill can’t believe that she warrants their trust. While the examples below illustrate the depth of her friend’s trust and perceived love, it is insufficient to lead Jill into believing that at heart she is a good person. It is insufficient to enable Jill to reveal her dark past to them or to herself.

Mary pauses, takes a deep breath, and wipes the tears that unexpectedly well up in her eyes. Jill waits patiently not knowing from where this is coming or how to respond.  Mary takes another deep breath before she continues with her story.

“Before Ed and I started going out together, I became pregnant. The father-to-be dumped me. He wanted nothing to do with me anymore. I was afraid to let my parents know. They’d have been devastated. I had no one to turn to. No one to talk to. Then Ed, who I hadn’t really paid much attention to, guessed I was in some kind of trouble. At the time I felt I just had to talk to somebody. He was there for me. He was so understanding; so accepting. He agreed to secretly help me get an abortion.” 

Jill takes a deep breath.

“I lost what would have been my daughter, but––” she pauses to wipe more tears away. “But I also lost the opportunity to ever have a child again.” 

Jill slides her chair next to Mary. She wraps her arms around Mary. For a while they sit quietly absorbing the pain of Mary’s secret.

Joseph steps back. “I’d like to tell you something.” He pauses. “It’s very, very personal, and I’m afraid it may turn you off.  If it bothers you, promise you’ll pretend I never said anything?”

Jill provides a cautious response. “I’ll try. What is it?”

Joseph holds both her hands in his. “I’m afraid I might end up like Uncle Mike. I’ll die alone, unmarried, without children.”

Jill shakes her head. “No, you’re too nice a person.”

“So was Uncle Mike.

“I told Donna about the church announcement of the Family conference. I guess I sounded too excited about it.” Bill shakes his head.

After several deep breaths he begins. Words spill out in short phrases punctuated by an inhaling.

“Every now and then––Donna gathers all her strength––like she has something important to say. A week before the registration deadline no one from our church volunteered. Donna said, ‘Go.’ I couldn’t believe it. She repeated––‘Go.’ I tried–– I tried to tell her my place was with her. She closed her eyes.––I think she was pretending to sleep––she didn’t want to hear any more.” He shakes his head and looks down.

“I felt so guilty.” Tears interrupt Bill’s explanation. “Some how I must have indicated I’d really like to be at the conference.” He still stares at the floor. His hand wipes his tears. “Could she have thought I preferred the conference to being with her? I couldn’t get rid of that suspicion.”

As Jill had done when Mary shared her abortion experience, she moves to the chair beside Bill and puts her arm around him.

“When I left Donna, I went straight to my pastor’s house. I told him what I had done, what Donna said. You know what he said? He said I should listen to Donna.”

Bill faces Jill. Looking into Jill’s eyes he searches for a sign of objection, of how he could have followed the pastor’s advice.

“Reverend Williams said there was nothing I could do to improve her situation. In fact, my very presence at Donna’s bedside everyday was more than likely a testimony of how her illness was crippling my life. He said, how do you think she feels about cutting into the joy of your volunteer work, your yard work?” 

Bill shakes his head slowly. “I still wasn’t going to go. Then he promised he’d visit Donna everyday and phone and let me know if there was any kind of serious change in her condition.”

The deeply painful revelations shared by Jill’s friends show how much they trusted her not to turn against them later. They saw her as a loving person, an insight that should have brought joy not bewilderment to Jill.

      haiku capsule:                 

dare to share a shame

entrusts raw revelations

hugs confirm friendship.

Next blog: Conservatives Grow

Trust Someone?

Trust Someone?

When it comes to sharing something personal, do you have trust issues? Are you very particular about who you talk to? Do you even have someone with whom you can share your deep concerns?  

For a person who has been deeply hurt, it probably means you’ve learned it’s safer to think that people are not naturally good. Now, if you view people as naturally bad, that is they think of themselves first and foremost, does that mean you, too, must be bad? Not too many people are willing to admit that they are self-centered. And seeing yourself as good and others not is equally disturbing. What makes you so special?

A situation that is even worse is when you have a poor self-image. If you see that you are not a good person, then there is no one who you can turn to in times of trouble. You must deal with troubling situations you do not feel capable of handling. When the challenges are serious, it is like you are walking in a minefield without a map showing the locations of explosives. Then the question of how can you trust someone becomes vital.

In my novel, Baggage burdens. Jill, the protagonist, sees herself as a bad person. Her father told her as much. She didn’t listen. She was mouthy. Jill thought she wasn’t very smart. She’d moved in with two boys after running away from home. Dumb. When her loving grandmother was helping Jill turn her life around, Jill ran away again. Stupid, some might say. However, Jill's emotional problems overruled her common sense. Trusting another person was not an option, and yet examples of others trusting people was all around her. How was that possible? Jill dared to expose her inability. She asked, "How can you trust someone?"

Jill wonders why she couldn’t be as open. With the same solemn tone Jill asks, “How is it that some people can trust others with very private matters in their life?”

“Wellll,” begins Mary, as she puts together a satisfactory response, “I suppose some one might reveal very personal things about themselves if they’re desperate.”

Mary pauses.

“But most of the time if information is volunteered, it is because of love and trust. That person would never do anything to hurt the one giving the personal information. Does that help?”

Mary waits as Jill digests her wisdom. 

“Mary, how do you know if another person really is a loving person?”

“I guess you really don’t know. But when I told you about my abortion, I felt that you would never use that to try and hurt me. That might change, but I think deep down you won’t change.”

‘I’ll bet that’s how Joseph feels about me too,’ thinks Jill. ‘But how can he trust me when he knows so little about me?’

“I guess that sharing is quite a compliment,” says Jill.

Does that help? Knowing that another person won’t use your shared information to hurt you seems to imply that you need to know the person well, perhaps over a long period of time. Jill’s experience with Joseph counters Mary’s advice. What does a person have to look for to change a perception that individuals are naturally bad? While Jill has the information she needs, it takes years before she understands it.

          haiku capsule:                 

hard to trust anyone

afraid to be vulnerable

past fears isolate.

Next blog: Trusting, A Compliment

You're Crazy

You’re Crazy

“You’re crazy!” or “Are you crazy?” said rhetorically should cause little harm. I say should, because, if the utterance is directed to a person whose positive self-image isn’t confidently established, then anxiety can arise. Why? Who would like to be seen as unable to distinguish between the real and the illusory world? Such a person could easily be misled or worse deceived. Such a child-like-minded person would be in need of a caregiver, a long-term burden. That’s hardly a prospect that one would welcome.

Admitting that you have a mental health issue is difficult. In a recent news article Prince Harry admitted that for 20 years he struggled with grief over the death of his mother, Diana, Princess of Wales. At first he resisted the encouragement of his brother and friends to seek professional help. When he did seek help, he learned to talk honestly about his feelings. Then he was been able to put “blood, sweat and tears” behind him. He now shares his experience in hopes of breaking the stigma of one experiencing mental health issues.

While Prince Harry’s revelation appeared in the news this year, eight years earlier I met a person I call Jill. Her intermittent frustrated behavior caused many people to avoid her. Because I had come to know her during a more relaxed time in her life, I could accept her, “warts and all.” My acceptance also permitted her to reveal a bit of her perceived dark side. The clouded insight gained from a peaked into her past explained her hypersensitivity. The problem was, even after more than twenty years, only a little could be shared. Revealing more of her guarded past was too painful. Healing was partial. More time was needed but not provided.

In my novel, Baggage burdens. After Jill runs away from home she fears that she will be seen as unable to grasp reality. The reader sees a number of times when Jill fears someone else may become aware of her mental struggles. It’s too much for her.

Jill is homeless after running away from home.

“Jill,” repeats Mrs. Robertson. “Would you please give me your parents’ names and phone number?”

‘I can’t sound like a crazy emotional kid.’ Not trusting her voice Jill slowly shakes her head. 

“I have to be able to tell your parents that you’re safe. That’s part of respecting the feelings of one of the parties in a conflict.”

Clearing her throat Jill prepares to reinforce her position. Speaking in an obviously controlled voice she declares, “I will not go home again under any circumstances.”

        Jill has recently lost her baby.

“I don’t know what I’ve done that’s causes you not to trust me. Maybe, somewhere, some time, you’ll tell me. But I want you to get well. I want you to be that vibrant wonderful woman I married.”  Joseph looks up to see Jill studying him. 

“I want you to consider talking with Rebecca. She’s really a very nice person. You  two used to get along so well. I know for some reason you’re not too comfortable with her, but she’s known other mothers who’ve lost their baby. I think she can be of help.”

 Jill frowns.

“If you can’t accept that source of help, then consider seeing your doctor. The hospital physician recommended it. Remember?”

“No.” Jill’s blunt abrupt answer shocks Joseph. ‘See the doctor and he’ll probably send me to a therapist. I’m not going to put myself under some one else’s control. Never,’ she promises herself. “I’m not crazy. I don’t want anyone to start thinking I am.”

        Jill has had a nightmare.

Finally Jill shoots back. “Damn you devil. Leave me alone. Leave me alone.”

Jill’s shouting awakens Joseph. His nudging doesn’t wake her. Her body sags as he lifts her. She crawls out of her nightmare, fingers digging into Joseph’s arms anchoring her to reality. She cries, “No. No. Not real. Not real.”

Joseph holds her close until her repeated denials subside. The intensity with which she hangs on to him surprises him. When he determines she can actually understand him, he asks, “What’s wrong? What’s not real?” Worry creases Joseph’s face.

Jill wonders how much of her nightmare she has exposed. Strength returns. Fear rises. ‘Is Joseph going to question my sanity?’ She dismisses telling him about the male voice. ‘For sure he’ll think I’m crazy.’ She asks, “where’s Amber, Sarah?”

Jill tells Bill about her recurring nightmare.

The moment the words escape, Jill regrets it. The door is now opened to admitting she hears a male voice.

‘He’ll think I’m crazy,’ she predicts.

Bill’s patient silence convinces Jill to test Bill’s acceptance. Little by little Jill reveals the presence of a damning male voice. When Jill admits the male voice has haunted her for years, Bill sits up alert like a guard dog in the house who heard approaching footsteps outside.

“Does the voice threaten?”

“It accuses me. And sometimes it predicts, like last night.”

He asks, “Have you shared this experience with anyone else?”

“Are you kidding! And have someone think I’m crazy.” After a moment she asks, “You don’t think I’m crazy, do you?”

 haiku capsule:                 

a nightmare exposed

please, I’m not losing my mind

don’t abandon me.

Next blog: How Can You Trust Someone?