A Scary Effect of Alcohol Abuse

A Scary Effect of Alcohol Abuse

A scary effect of alcohol––many stories can leap out from the darkness, the least of which might be of splitting hangovers following a night of drinking. Some stories cry out the pain of having lost a loved one, or even worse of one maimed by a person driving over the legal limit.

Of particular concern to me were stories shared by students in confidence about a parent in denial about an alcohol addiction. Their social and emotional effects begged for action. The teacher hopes that with help the student’s emotional scars would heal. Help doesn’t always come. Help isn’t always effective. Then what? Marking, lesson preparation and demands from other students leave little time to consider any long-term effects of a child’s abuse.

Then one day an alcohol-abused child’s reality hit. It was like seeing an unlucky hiker have part of her leg blown off. Instead of seeing a bleeding leg, arm, or face, words of fear, anger and vulnerability spewed out like a volcano spitting out its unwanted burning lava and boulders injuring close by family and friends.

A guarded thirty-year truth slowly crawls out to gentle listening ears. Weird actions of this strange person, this abused person begin to make sense. The shield of distrust returns. The opportunity for healing fades, but the lesson that a child’s psychological scars can last for a lifetime remains. The sins of the drinking parent can inflict harm to the child, the child's future family and future friends.

The horror is this nitroglycerine personality walks among us, undetected until it blows up. The volatile abused person often is unfairly faulted for reactions it had no real desire to release. The cause, the alcohol abusive parent, remains hidden, unchecked, unhealed.

The adult life of a victim-child is featured in my novel Baggage burdens. Her story, Jill’s story, is one of a teenage girl who flees from home because of her drinking father. The survival lessons she learned at home guide her as she attempts to rebuild her life. Unfortunately her defensive strategies often create more troubles in her life. What’s the answer? Jill doesn’t find out until her life hits bottom, like that of an alcoholic. Her road to healing forces her to face facts she would rather avoid.  

Jill’s hell

Overflowing with confidence from her year of weight training and the school’s women’s defensive course, Jill confronted her drunken father in the kitchen. She dared to challenge his behavior. Result: a neck jarring slap in the face. With pent up fury Jill delivered a similar action.

Her father exploded.

Jill deflected his first swing. More swiftly followed. His first direct hit landed Jill on the floor. Her single opportunity to escape resulted in him grabbing her hair and yanking her back. Sitting on her, he slapped her left and right again and again until Jill’s mother struck his head with a cast iron frying pan. Police were called again. Warnings were issued. Promises were made. Three weeks passed before Jill’s bruises disappeared, and she could face her classmates.

haiku capsule:

Alcohol anger

life long scars haunt grandchildren

party hangover

                   

Next blog: Help?––Hell no.

BEST Friend TRAIT

BEST Friend TRAIT

In reading about Joseph, in Baggage burdens. one might suspect his best friend was his dog, Butch. The time that impression may arise is when Joseph mourns the death of his dog, the one who most accepted him as he was.

Then Thomas and Joseph dug a shallow grave for Butch near the spot where he died. After temporarily marking the grave with a stick, Thomas sat with Joseph for the rest of the afternoon by the grave as Joseph talked about his lost friend.

Can a caring friend create such a feeling of loss? Many people can be supportive, helpful, encouraging, but cross them, blame them for something they haven’t done, ignore them and the friendship bond dissolves. Not a true friend you might say, but what if an accusation is cutting, cutting to the bone, what if an accusation is held without explanation for some time? Can a simple apology mend the broken relationship? In such circumstances, when the answer is, “yes,” then you know you have found a real friend. Such a friend has the critical trait of being forgiving. It is important to note that the forgiving quality is present in the friend even before an apology. Sadly that trait may not make that forgiving person a “best” friend, even though they probably are.

In the novel, Baggage burdens.  the troubled protagonist, Jill, suddenly rejects her caring neighbor, Rebecca. Rebecca and Jill had been friends for a number of years. By Jill’s admission, Rebecca did nothing wrong, but Jill still wanted nothing more to do with her neighbor.

“Jill, remember a little earlier you asked if something is wrong?”

Jill nods before she takes a sip of her tea. 

“Well, something has been concerning me.” Joseph waits until she finishes the cake in her mouth.  “Why have you been avoiding Rebecca? Did she say or do something wrong?”

 “No. I just don’t want to have anything to do with her any more.”

Jill’s calm response encourages Joseph to pursue the matter. “It’s surprising. When you returned from the hospital, Rebecca visited you every time I went to the market. Then all of sudden she’s not welcome at Daniel’s birthday, at our Thanksgiving dinner, at our wedding anniversary and at your birthday.”

Jill interrupts. “I just don’t want to be around her any more. Is there anything wrong with that?” A note of annoyance creeps into Jill’s response.

 “If she’s done something wrong, I know she’d like to make it up to you.”

“Look, she didn’t do anything wrong.”

Jill wants to invite Rebecca and Thomas to Joseph’s birthday party. She phones and apologizes for her self-imposed seclusion. When Jill invites Rebecca, Rebecca accepts. To Jill’s surprise at the party Rebecca shows no sign of irritation. Jill feels completely forgiven. What a friend she has in Rebecca.

With the meal finished and dishes cleaned, Jill and Rebecca walk along the driveway admiring the raised flowerbed that she and Joseph prepared for planting. Jill is pleased at how easy it is to talk with Rebecca. ‘It’s as if there never was any misunderstanding.’ She finds herself sharing a dream, she hasn’t told Joseph about.

Jill tells about her plans to convert each boxed structure into a rose bed. Pointing to bare spots among the perennials, she predicts which rose will be most appropriate. Her plans include asking Joseph to help her shop for the flowers.

“Do you think he’ll come?’ she asks nervously.

“Of course,” says Rebecca. “ I think he’ll be thrilled to work with you on it.” They turn to head back to the house, then stop. They hug like long-time friends.

Jill also has a forgiving friend in the person of Bill. He frequently visited her during her weeks in the hospital. When Jill was ready to go home, she didn’t have a ride. Bill offered to drive her home. Jill said nothing. When Bill came to the hospital, he learned she’d taken a taxi an hour earlier. Jill’s daughter’s passion criticism caused Jill to phone and apologize to Bill. His gracious response surprised her.

Jill calls Bill at a time when she believes Bill is finishing his lunch. She expects a cutting remark when Bill hears her. It’s not his nature, but she feels she deserves it. She’s been home for more than a week, and she hasn’t called him to explain her hospital departure. To her surprise she receives a casual greeting. He politely enquiries about how she is adjusting to home life. His accepting attitude to her apology surprises her.

Jill admits that she was wrong to leave the hospital instead of waiting for him. No sooner does she begin with “I wasn’t thinking clearly” than Bill stops her.

“No need to explain. I thought you might want some time to adjust being home, to talk with your children.”

Jill’s speechless. He voices one of her excuses. Relief sweeps over her.

Remembering the other reason for her phone call, Jill tells him that she and the children would like him to join them for supper next Sunday. She includes the children in the invitation because she feels that Bill might not want to come if it is only her desire. She can’t fully believe that Bill has no hard feelings about her deserting him.

Bill accepts.

haiku capsule:                 

I         am here for you

when you would least expect it

gracious quality

Next blog: Alcohol’s Scary Effects

A Pet's Place

A Pet’s Place in a Home

“For some people who live in poverty or are homeless, their pets are their children.” So observes the Mustard Seed, an Edmonton non-profit organization that has been caring for people in poverty since 1984. Elderly or single people living by themselves may experience very strong sense of loss if their pet dies. A pet’s unconditional acceptance makes them part of the family with a treasured place in the home.

Introduce a spouse or children into the home. While the pet’s love doesn’t change, their position of importance in the family drops. The need for caring companionship is replaced by ones of greater significance. For the pet that may seem unfair, but their capacity for unconditional acceptance enables them to cope with the change.

 A person’s attachment to its pet is profound as is seen in my novel, Baggage burdens. The death of Butch leaves Joseph in shock even though he inherited his uncle’s dog only two years earlier. The dog had worked its way not only into Joseph’s home but his heart too. The quiet disappearance of Princess, the cat, has little effect. One might hypothesize that the bond between man and dog is naturally stronger and that may be. However, at the time that the cat’s presence drifts away Joseph is married and has a son. They grant him the companionship that he desires.

Thomas and several neighbors were rebuilding a workshop for Joseph. The old one had burned down. A truck carrying lumber spilled its load. Butch was found beneath it. 

“You were devastated,” said Thomas looking at Joseph. 

He had nodded momentarily reliving the event. “Two years earlier I lost Uncle Mike. Then Butch. All I had left was you and Rebecca.” 

Thomas sat with Joseph while the other men picked up the lumber. Then Thomas and Joseph dug a shallow grave for Butch near the spot where he died. After temporarily marking the grave with a stick, Thomas sat with Joseph for the rest of the afternoon by the grave as Joseph talked about his lost friend.

haiku capsule:                 

a dog, man’s best friend

wife, children, nothing’s better

dearest companions

Next blog: Traits of a Good Friend