Unworthy of Love

Unworthy of Love

Love your neighbor as yourself. (Matt. 22:39)

What happens if you can’t love yourself? Sounds like the neighbors are in for trouble. Well, maybe not trouble but certainly they wouldn’t be inclined to hope for love from a person who can’t love her or him self.

Why might a person be unworthy of love? Guilt can play a major role in running a person’s self esteem into the ground. The accompanying feeling is a person of little value deserves little.

In my novel, Baggage burdens. Jill, the protagonist, doesn’t see that she is worthy of love. By unpacking her past the reader sees guilt playing a major role in her self-concept. Her alcohol-loving father hammered home the idea that Jill was a disobedient, disrespectful girl. While one might hope the father’s view would be dismissed, the perception from Jill’s older sister, Kathy, isn’t so easily overlooked. Also, Jill hearing her mother say she is uncontrollable nails another reason why Jill deserves no love. Jill explains away her mother’s negative comment. It was made in a moment of fear; fear Jill’s father would continue hurting her mother. Realizing the she is the cause of her mother’s pain creates another guilt nail for her dark self-image.

Imagine you have runaway from home and just become homeless. A loving grandmother that you haven’t seen in years lets you l live in her house, a house she normally rents. No charge for you. Then, when your grandmother comes for a visit, you move away. No warning, no explanation given. What do you think of such a girl? How do you think she feels about herself?

As you can see, Jill has many reasons not to feel good about whom she is. How can such a person feel worthy of love? How can she love others? What a burden to have to carry!

‘Mom thinks I’m uncontrollable?! I don’t listen?! I don’t believe it! I thought she loved me. How can she say such things?’ Tears wash away the betrayal. After a few moments, she adds, ‘that’s not like Mom.’ Jill searches for an explanation.

The recollection of her mother’s partially hidden bruises stimulates speculation.

‘Mom didn’t fall last week. He hit her. It’s my fault. That’s why she doesn’t like me anymore.’ 

Tears return.

‘I’m the cause of Mom’s pain. No wonder she doesn’t like me. Oh I wish Kathy were here.’

The absence of Jill’s older sister, Kathy, leaves Jill feeling helpless.

‘There’s no one in the house to turn to anymore. It’s an empty shell, a dangerous empty shell.’

Drained, she hangs her head and closes her eyes. Hopelessness crawls over her like a cold wet blanket.

“What am I going to do?” she whispers. ‘Be a coward like Kathy. I can’t.’

Kathy’s solution, run away, is packed with blame. For a long time Jill hated her sister for deserting her and her mother.

‘If I leave I’ll be as bad as Kathy. Who will help Mom?’

           haiku capsule:

                   

disobedient     

disrespectful, deserter

wounding guilt labels

     

      Next blog:

SELF-CONFIDENCE – 

a Game Changer

Eyes of Faith

Eyes of Faith

God not seen? Peace not felt?

In the previous blog Jill, the protagonist, in my novel, Baggage burdens. didn’t see God’s caring efforts. Frequently she was anxious. God was with her, always guiding her to members of his caring family. Why was she still stressed?

Jill lacked eyes of faith. Her deficiency begins with her thinking that God doesn’t care about any one’s personal life. It’s compounded by the belief that she is unworthy to be loved. According to her father she is a very disobedient, disrespectful child. Even if God did care about a person’s daily trials, why would she qualify for his attention?

In spite of her nervous tension one can easily say that Jill was really lucky. Jill found landlady Mrs. Maxwell, who provided food and lodging for Jill, a midnight stranger who came knocking at her front door. Luckily Mrs. Robertson reconnected Jill to her loving grandmother. Then Jill finds immediate lodging and employment when she flees from Ontario to Alberta. What are the odds? The problem with relying on Lady Luck is she is fickle, or as Amber, Jill’s daughter once said; Lady Luck is such a bitch. Counting on luck is risky.

Being blessed is an infinitely preferable perspective. Bold statement? Not really, not if one has seen God’s blessing as a frequent occurrence. Writers are often advised to write about familiar experiences. Through the eyes of faith I have seen God’s involvement in my life many times. The result is peace, being content. That doesn’t mean there’s been no challenges or goals to achieve, but it does mean there is a lot less tension.

How can one show the route to God’s peace? A model might help. Bill serves this purpose. He frequently visited Jill during her hospital convalescence. When Jill was to be released, he volunteers to drive her home. Instead, without telling Bill, Jill takes a cab home. Bill’s handling of the disappointment illustrates a person at peace, a person who was content with the time he shared with her. Unfortunately, if one is struggling with unexpected changes as Jill was, the value of his response is easily missed.

Several people, having the eyes of faith, can work with a person struggling to find peace. It works for Jill, but Bill, her mentor, finds it’s no easy calling. It is critical that the peace seeker first perceives their relationship as caring, a caring for her welfare. This approach takes patience, much time and many interactions.

Knowing that Bill serves at the Wellness Center in the evening, Jill calls at a time when she believes Bill is finishing his lunch. She expects a cutting remark when Bill hears her on the line. It’s not his nature, but she feels she deserves it. She’s been home for more than a week, and she hasn’t called him to explain her hospital departure. To her surprise she receives a casual greeting. He politely enquiries about how she is adjusting to home life. His accepting response to her apology surprises her.

Jill admits that she was wrong to leave the hospital instead of waiting for him. No sooner does she begin with “I wasn’t thinking clearly” than Bill stops her.

“No need to explain. I thought you might want some time to adjust being home, to talk with your children.”

Jill’s speechless. He voices one of her excuses. Relief sweeps over her.

Remembering the other reason for her phone call, Jill tells him that she and the children would like him to join them for supper next Sunday. She includes the children in the invitation because she feels that Bill might not want to come if it is only her desire. She can’t fully believe that Bill has no hard feelings about her deserting him. Still certain that Bill will reject her offer she is ready to tell Amber that she tried.

Bill accepts.

           haiku capsule:                 

two peace approaches     

take a chance, find eyes of faith

a confident glow

      Next blog:

Unworthy of Love

Where Was God When I Needed Him?

Where Was God When I Needed Him?

No peace? In the last blog I suggested Luke 2 verse 14 could lead one to look to God for help. Sound far-fetched? Jill would think so.

Jill is the protagonist, in my novel, Baggage burdens. She would have asked where was god when I needed him? Where was he when Dave betrayed me? In the middle of the night I was forced to run away from Dave? It was dark. I was alone with no place to sleep. Where was God when Dave came after me in Brampton and later tried to find me in Camrose?

Jill’s feelings of being abandoned and not being loved stem from her teen years when she still lived at home. Her sister, Kathy, ran away. She couldn’t live with an alcohol-loving father. Jill felt abandoned by her sister. Jill's highly critical father left Jill feeling unworthy of love. Alice, Jill’s mother, endured physical abuse because of Jill’s perceived disobedience. Jill thought she was a painful burden for her mother. How could a mother love such a child? Also how could God love such an unworthy child? How could he bring her peace? Just to survive, never mind have peace, Jill had on rely on her wits.

 Often people fail to see the Lord working in their lives, keeping them safe. This is especially true when one is steeped in pain. Vision is frequently limited. Such could be said for Jill. See could not see the Lord lifting her up, carrying her in her times of turmoil.

When Jill first ran away from Dave, the Lord carried Jill’s feet to His servants, Gramma Maxwell, Mary Robertson and later to Josey, Jill grandmother. When Jill ran away from Dave’s attempt for reconciliation the Lord brought her to the home of another of His servants, Mary Preschuck. When Jill attempted to escape the detective, Jill accepted the loving arms of Joseph, also the Lord’s servant.

How do these events appear in the novel?

The table creaks as Gramma Maxwell leans on it to go to turn the burner off. Her walk to the stove is unsteady. “So, you have no job.”

Jill nods. 

“And no place to sleep tonight.”

Jill nods again.

“Or the following night?” 

Jill looks down shaking her head. 

“I see.” Mrs. Maxwell pauses. “Jill.” She waits until Jill looks at her. 

Tears blur Jill’s vision.

“I want to thank you for showing that you thought you could trust me. I’m sure this wasn’t easy.” She pauses for a few seconds. 

Jill wraps her hands around the teacup, absorbing its heat. 

“I have to tell you there isn’t very much I can do for you.” Mrs. Maxwell pauses.

‘Oh no, no.’ Jill can’t believe that she will be asked to leave when she finishes her tea. She shivers.

“If you don’t mind, I can bring you a pillow and a blanket and let you sleep in the parlor tonight. The couch isn’t very comfortable, but at least you’ll be warm.”

Jill smiles. As Mrs. Maxwell continues, Jill sips her tea. 

 “For a longer term solution I would like to refer you to Mrs. Robertson. She helps manage the Home-Away-From-Home project. Have you heard of that before?” Reading Jill’s furrowed brow, Mrs. Maxwell elaborates. “Protestant churches in the area fund a couple of houses to provide shelter, some food, and counseling for young people who have serious problems. I expect Mrs. Robertson will be in church later this morning. I’d like to talk to her about your situation. I know she’ll do everything she can for you. She’s done this kind of work for several years. Will you let me talk to her? See if she can help?”

“It’s about time you two finally decided to get married.” She gives Jill a hug, then Joseph.

“You’ll do it?” asks Joseph confidently.

“If she asks me to by her Maid of Honor.” 

“Oh, will you?” Jill adds quickly.

Mary nods enthusiastically. “Okay. When’s the big day?” 

Seeing things start to fall into place faster than she expects, Jill takes the initiative.  “Well that’ll depend upon when we can book a Justice of the Peace. Do you know of any?”  Jill looks to Mary for direction.

Before Mary can speak Joseph cuts in. “Aaahhh, I’d like to see our marriage blessed in the sight of God.” His proclamation is like a plate falling on the floor. Joseph breaks the silence by adding, “I don’t think it can happen in the Orthodox Community Life church. The one I go to.”

The close-knit group doesn’t easily welcome strangers.

“If you don’t mind being married in the United Church I can ask our minister. Jill’s been there a few times, and I think Reverend Swanson remembers Jill.” Mary checks for visual reactions from Jill and Joseph. 

Jill hasn’t established much of a relationship with the United Church minister simply because she hasn’t put an effort. A Justice of the Peace is just as good as far as she is concerned, but, when she sees how her silence transforms Joseph’s face into a concern her decision is easy. “If he can fit us into his schedule. Isn’t he rather busy?” 

The smile returns to Joseph.

beneficial changes: God’s Blessing or Lady Luck?

haiku capsule:                 

peacemaker vessels     

found in God’s faithful servants

heaven’s help is near

      Next blog: Peace continued––

Eyes of Faith

Exploring PEACE ON EARTH

      Exploring PEACE ON EARTH

Peace on earth and goodwill to all men. What a New Year’s resolution! Of course, this is no new wish. Peace has been a goal for a long time. It’s even formalized by the United Nations in its Declaration of Human Rights. Nations have committed themselves to working toward this goal. To appreciate the enormity of this undertaking one merely needs to look at the three factors that the UN has identified as being necessary for a person’s peace––freedom from famine, disease and violence. News reports of war, refugees, famines, racial strife, and the homeless, robberies and murders on our streets suggest we have a long ways to go. Over the last century on a national or communal basis progress is evident, but it is slow, oh so slow. Some people are lead to abandon the goal of communal welfare. Instead they struggle for individual security through gaining power or wealth. Their success leads many to enhance their lives by seeking personal pleasures. What happens to people who fail to achieve personal safety or who find leisure activities unfulfilling?

 Since the paraphrased proclamation, peace on earth to all men, comes from an angel who appeared before shepherds in the field to announce the birth of Jesus, one might consider looking to God for peace. Luke 2 verse 14 reads: Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.

Not for me. Stories of God and what the Bible says God did are interesting cultural remnants of the past, even long past some might say. They are as believable as achieving peace on earth for all men. Their more generous position may be god created the earth. Fine. That’s in the past. His job’s done. Now he’s got nothing to do with me.

 The idea that God is an impersonal being with no relevance to an individual’s life is the position of Jill, the protagonist, in my novel, Baggage burdens. Under the right conditions she has no trouble participating in church activities or believing some of the Bible’s moral teachings, but that’s as far as it goes.

Touching Daniel’s shoulder Mary says, “You guys did a marvelous job.” She beams waving the program featuring the church’s Christmas play. “Actually all the kids did a marvelous job. No one needed a prompting.”

“And they all spoke so well,” adds Ann.

“Thank Mom for that,” says Amber. “She coached us. She coached all of us.”

“So I gather,” responds Ann. “If I heard right from some of the ladies at the church,” Ann looks at Jill. “You made many of the sets too.”

“Oh, I had help with that,” clarifies Jill. “Joseph built some. And Rebecca and Gerda worked on some.”

“From what I heard,” adds Mary; “the women in church were very impressed with your role in the production. They tried a play several years ago, and it was a flop. They credit you with this year’s success.”

“”Will you Mom?” Amber looks up expectantly.

“Will I what?” asks Jill becoming aware that she had tuned everyone out. “I’m sorry. I was distracted by something.”

“Will you help with a Christmas play next year? That’s what my Sunday school teacher was wondering about.”

“If I can,” answers Jill.

On the drive home Jill couldn’t help highlighting the evening’s visit. “The Sunday school teachers accepted my suggestion for their Thanksgiving theme—overflowing bounty in the Lord. Their supporting ideas burst out like water through a hole in a dam.”

The following week before Joseph says grace at supper Jill relates Ann’s latest news. People in the United Church are excited about the amount of food that is piling up. They asked Ann to thank Jill for her idea of giving the collection to the Food Bank.

If troubled Jill were to respond to the question,

Why don’t you want heaven’s help,

expect her answer to be

haiku capsule:                 

peace, accepted goal     

a discouraging success

need heavenly help?

      Next blog: Peace continued––

Where was God when I needed him?