Forgive and Forget

  Forgive and Forget

Is forgiving an indiscretion enough or is forgetting also necessary?

Many reasons may be attributed to forgiving someone for a hurtful action. A major advantage of the request for forgiveness is that it opens the door for discussion and developing understandings. A misunderstanding or deep sorrow for an inappropriate action makes forgiving a person easy, as does the promise not to repeat the unacceptable deed. Forgetting, wiping the event from one’s memory so that it doesn’t exit any longer, should present little problem.

If the wrong doing is very painful or repeated frequently, forgiving is more challenging. Still for the sake of peace of mind or building a positive future forgiveness could be granted but forgetting is another story. Fear of being hurt again means remembering what happened in the past so it can be avoided in the future. One may not continually hold up the disturbing event, but mentally one will remain wary. For a repeated offensive action many more positive deeds is needed before a changed nature will erase the past misdeeds.

Struggles of forgiving and forgetting are frequent themes in my novel, Baggage Burdens. A particularly difficult challenge is presented to Daniel when his mother asks for forgiveness. For most of his life he has viewed his mother as a self-centered person who has caused her marriage breakup. Still his religious upbringing calls for him to forgive. The forgetting part he admits he has to work at.

Be short and to the point, Jill tells herself. Admit I was wrong and ask him to forgive me.

“Daniel, there’s a noticeable tension between us. Eve’s noticed it. Bill’s noticed it. I’m sure you’re aware of it. I know I’m aware of it. And it’s starting to create problems.” Jill expects the next words to come out of her mouth to be, and I want it stopped. “I really want to see if we can put a stop to this.” Jill appreciates her improved phrasing. “I’ve been trying to figure out what I’ve done to anger you. Now I could be completely wrong about this, but I suspect your anger has been simmering for a long time. I’m wondering if it has anything, anything at all to do with my desire to have you take home schooling when you were little.”

Jill notices surprise on Daniel’s face.

“At the time, I wanted you to be home with Amber and me so we could be a close family. My mistake was not thinking about what you wanted. Your father had to straighten me out.” She pauses. The first sentence is all she intended to say. “More than once. I want to apologize for thinking only of what I wanted. I’m sure you can probably think of more examples like that, but I want to tell you I plan to be more careful. Do you think you can even begin to forgive me?”

“You’re right. I’ve been seeing you as selfish for a long time. I often wanted to tell you that to your face, but Dad wouldn’t let me. You say you’re changing. I’ll have to learn to start seeing that. I don’t know how well I will do. My instinctive reaction is to suspect you don’t care about anyone accept yourself. It’s become a habit. I can tell you that I’ll work on it, but I may not always see it.”

“Me too, Daniel. I’ll work on taking your feelings into consideration. My habit won’t be any easier to break.”

“As for forgiving you, I can say I will start. Forgiving you means I can accept you had good reasons for your actions. I don’t know what they are. And I don’t want to know, at least not right now. I’m afraid I may take them as excuses. All I can say is that for now, I will assume you had good reasons. Maybe, in time, I will be ready to hear and understand them. Is that fair?”

“Yes, Daniel. A start is all I ask.” Jill has an overwhelming urge to rush over and hug Daniel, but she sees no sign of him being willing to accept it. His squirming suggests uneasiness.

“I’m sure you must realize this all comes as a shock to me. My desire to leave now means I need time to work this development out.” He glances at Bill and then again at his mother.

“Certainly,” says Bill. Jill echoes his response.

Daniel says his good-byes and leaves without looking back. When Jill hears his truck drive off, she says, “Sounds hopeful, don’t you think?”

     haiku capsule:                 

meaningful regrets         

repent to brighten future

forgive and forget.

Next blog::  Stretching the Good times

Ask for Forgiveness

Ask for Forgiveness?

Asking to be forgiven could be very unsettling, particularly if the injured party was very angry. A request coming after the injured party has cooled down, may serve to give new life to the grievance. More harsh words may feel like deserved-justice to the angry person, but it does little to begin the peace process.

 “I was wrong. I’m sorry.” A humbling approach has a greater chance of mending fences, but what if you did nothing wrong? At least you don’t remember or think you did anything wrong? Good chance your indiscretion could be repeated and your future apologize considered worthless. Also, some people may find it very difficult to apologize for something they didn’t do. Taking no action means the friction becomes deep rooted, suggesting you don’t care about another’s feelings. Then apologizing becomes even more challenging.

In my novel, Baggage Burdens. a hostile environment exists between Jill and her oldest son. It’s been festering for years. In her mind, Jill has done nothing wrong. Her son, Daniel, is choosing to be difficult. In time she expects he’ll come around. By the time Daniel has children, Jill realizes if she wants to see her grandchildren, she must do something. She struggles with the option of apologizing.

“Do you really want to be on good terms with your son?” asks Bill.

“Yes,” answers Jill.

“Then, if you think your attempts to homeschool him are the basis for the tension between the two of you, apologize to him. Ask him to forgive you. Explain that you didn’t realize at the time how important it was for him to be with his friends.”

“And what if that’s not the real reason?”

“It doesn’t matter. You’re showing him you want to improve the family atmosphere. If you’re wrong, let him identify what he thinks is the problem. At least you’re starting the healing process.”

“Do you think that is why Daniel is so hostile toward me?” Jill suspects Bill knows something that he’s not telling her.

“What I think doesn’t matter. What counts is what you think is the root of your family problem. If you’re wrong, don’t worry about it. He’ll see that you’re attempting to improve things. The ball will then be in his court.”

Still unconvinced Jill seeks advice from her cousin

The conversation turns to Jill’s reason for coming over. To Jill’s surprise, Julie agrees with asking for Daniel’s forgiveness. She’s certain he’ll grant it.

“You really think so?”

“I do.” Julie’s confidence fails to encourage Jill. “Wait a minute,” says Julie, jumping out of her chair. “If he doesn’t, I’ll show you what you need to give him.” She rushes to a bookshelf in the living room. After she pokes through several books, a triumphant, “Got it!” rings out.

As Julie approaches the table, she says, “You’re still his mother. It’s never too late to teach your son something.” Julie shows her the cover of a book that she and some of the ladies in the church reviewed last year. The title is Forgiveness. Flipping through the pages, she finds a highlighted section. “See,” she says, pointing to a quote from Matthew 5:21–25. Then she draws Jill’s attention to a couple of verses she sees as key.

But I tell you, that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment.

 “Think mother instead of brother here,” interjects Julie. “And this too.” She points to another verse.

Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother, then come and offer your gift.

 “If Daniel doesn’t forgive you, how can he continue to go to church?”

“I guess I should have joined you last year for these sessions. May I borrow this book?”

Concerned about her son’s reaction Jill asks for help

Jill’s desire to meet with Daniel grows stronger over the next few days. She calls Bill.

“Bill, I need your help.”

“What would you like?”

“For you to be with me when I meet with Daniel? I don’t need you to say anything, just be there.”

 

    

 

 haiku capsule:                                                                                    

heated words spoken                                                           

genuine words of sorrow

forgiveness needed.

Next blog:  

Forgive and Forget