Break a Promise?

     

Break a Promise?

My word is my bond.

True   or  False

Can you break a promise? A simple, “yes,” is not what you would expect from a people-person. A critical factor is how will it affect the person who has a certain expectation. In some cases, the effect may be modified by your relationship to that person. How close are you? 

Another affect may be how necessary is it that a promise is broken. If keeping the promise means greater harm for another then forgiveness may be forth coming. Even then the potential harm may be a matter of perspective. 

The decision about whether to break a promise isn’t always given much thought, but the varied results of such an action are shown in the novel, Baggage burdens. Such results indicate breaking a promise needs careful consideration.

Consider the situation where a father is an alcoholic. He promises his daughter, Jill, he will quit drinking time and again. He breaks that promise and comes home. Violence erupts. She runs away from home. How long do you think she will hate her father––5 years? 10 years? 25 years? 

Jill moves in with a former boyfriend after he promised not to try to restart their relationship. He breaks his promise. How long will her resentment last? Is it possible that since the males in her life have “lied” that she will generalize her mistrust to all males, at least not completely trust them? Jill’s life portrays a situation that actually happened. 

Have you ever shared personal thoughts and feelings with a family member and later discovered that that person ended up sharing parts of your private life with someone else in your family? How might that affect your ability to trust anyone, ever? 

Jill’s baggage is that she has experienced all three of these kinds of situations. Her burden for almost thirty years is that she finds it very difficult to trust anyone. Can you blame her? Do the consequences of broken promises make you think twice about not keeping your word?

                   Boyfriend’s Broken Promise

Jill can’t shake Dave’s focused concentration on her when they sat on the stairway steps. He listened so intently when she told him she had to leave home. He knew the truth about her father and her beatings. Then there was his pleading look. He almost begged her to let him help by making the basement suite available for her. He frequently took her side on supper menus, arguing against his brother. 

Dave kissed her in the pantry, shattered her “he-loves-me” impression. His betrayal countered her infant security impression. 

He promised no advances, no personal relationships. How could he do that? He ruined everything.

“And what of his willingness to apologize. Remember your grandmother’s assurance?”

“It’s too late. Damage is done.” 

Haiku capsule:

My word is my bond.

Unbreakable pledge, I thought.

A glass assurance.

Next Blog: 

MOTHERS-IN-LAW

Little Things Matter

Little Things       Matter

Little things, because they are so small, are often dismissed as insignificant. When it comes to working with people nothing could be further from the truth.

A people-person makes certain to know other’s names and uses it at least once each time they meet. “Jim, good to see you.” Also “missed you” at the social or meeting says that that person is important. Even a greeting smile provides warmth. All these little things create a welcoming atmosphere. 

Some little things may require a little more effort. Keeping in touch may involve taking time to phone or visit a friend, a colleague, or a family member regularly. Perhaps extending an invitation for coffee or beer or a game of pool or a card game opens the door for a closer relationship. The examples so far are designed to please another. 

Miss opportunities to do the little things, and it won’t be long before one notices that personal relationships are not there when you want them to be. Personal sharing is gone. Analysis about what caused a friendship to become merely an acquaintance may bring on feelings of quilt or regret, regret because the one you thought was close to you has turned their attention to others. You experience loss.

In the novels, Baggage burdens. and Helping Hands both these situations are illustrated. In the first novel Jill passes up a number of times to be out with her son and his father. To her surprise she finds Daniel, her son, prefers the company of his father. Considering that she intended to be the best mother ever she regrets her lack of attention to the little things her son enjoyed, like going out together to cut down a Christmas tree or playing board games. Her late efforts to correct the imbalance fail and result in tension between her and her son and her and her husband. 

In the second novel Bill, a psychologist and a company human resource officer and his son, a company mentor, both illustrate how being in touch with the little things in the lives of employees earns the worker’s loyalty to the company. Each attended to different little things but they all had to do with showing an awareness of what is going on in an employee’s life. These little public things like a son getting a driver license or scoring several goals in a hockey game showed that an employee is more than just a company resource. As a person they are valuable too.

 An Example

from  

Helping Hands

Daniel looks to Mark. “So, what exactly is it that you do?” asks Daniel as he bounces his son on his knee.

Grinning, oil worker Mark begins, “You could say I’m a floater. Wherever the company needs me, that’s where I go––set up, repairs, welding, drilling, even security. Many of our workers are young. Keeping them isn’t easy. Lately, as in the last four years, I’ve been training, actually mentoring would be more like it.”

“What’s the difference?” asks Daniel as he shifts Shawn to his other knee.

“Training is skill building. That’s relatively easy. Mentoring is working with new employees. I not only teach them skills, but I make a point of getting to know them and their families, help them see how the company helps them live a good life.”

“Sounds like that’s beyond your job description. Probably takes up a lot more time too.” 

“You’re right, Daniel. That’s exactly what my supervisor said too when he found out what I was up to. The thing is, the people who work with me have stayed with the company. They don’t quit.”

“How come?”

“Because when I learn what’s important to their family life, I always link the family goals with the company’s goals and their paychecks. Frequently, I know the wife and the children. I praise the father in their presence and talk to them about their family goals. Thanks to what I learn from the wife and the children, I’m able to motivate the men to work longer hours or tackle assignments they’d rather not.”

Haiku capsule:

How-are-you phone call.

You are important to me.

Little things matter.

  

Next Blog: 

Can You break a Promise

Road to Reconciliation

Road to Reconciliation

“You’re wrong.”

Such a statement triggers one’s defense mechanisms. When a complainant’s narrative fails to convince you that you made a mistake, the possibility of reducing tensions is greatly reduced. The possibility of peace disappears.  Expect strained relations or at least hurt feelings to continue. 

The path to reconciliation begins with the first most important and hardest step––accept another’s version of reality. It is usually very hard because one is certain their own reality is correct. They made no mistake. They weren’t intentionally trying to degrade the other. Because of the difficulty in accepting a different view one may begin with the alternative view as being a possibility. 

The first stepping stone, acceptance, even possible acceptance, is critical. It communicates a sense of equality where equality was perceived not to exist. We know we do not choose to make our life worse. In an atmosphere of mutual respect then, we must acknowledge that no one chooses to make their life worse either. So then how can a new action or goal be adjusted? Pursuing this course of action demonstrates that the highest value is communal or family peace, or harmony for all. No one group or person is more important than the other. 

Where harmony is the foundational value, openness to other realities can be explored between nations, groups in a nation, members in a community or family.  It is in this latter two contexts that the novels, Baggage burdens. and Helping Hands were written. In the first novel Jill experiences a closed mindedness while she is in a rural Orthodox church. The aggressive spirit of her and the church results in no peace. Jill’s son, Daniel, experiences the same chilling effect in his relationship with his mother. However, the value of family harmony gets a shot in the arm when Jill desires to spend more time with her grandchildren. In the novel, Helping Hands, Jill, with the help of Bill, a friend, is lead down the path of reconciliation.

STEP ONE

from 

Helping Hands

“Daniel, there’s a noticeable tension between us. Eve’s noticed it. Bill’s noticed it. I’m sure you’re aware of it. I know I’m aware of it. And it’s starting to create problems. I’ve been trying to figure out what I’ve done to anger you. Now, I could be completely wrong about this, but I suspect your anger has been simmering for a long time. I’m wondering if it has anything, anything at all, to do with my desire to have you take homeschooling when you were little.”

Jill notices surprise on Daniel’s face. 

“At the time, I wanted you to be home with Amber and me so we could be a close family. My mistake was not thinking about what you wanted. Your father had to straighten me out.” She pauses. The first sentence is all she intended to say. “More than once I want to apologize for thinking only of what I wanted. I’m sure you can probably think of more examples like that, but I want to tell you I plan to be more careful. Do you think you can even begin to forgive me?”

“You’re right. I’ve been seeing you as selfish for a long time. I often wanted to tell you that to your face, but Dad wouldn’t let me. You say you’re changing. I’ll have to learn to start seeing that. I don’t know how well I will do. My instinctive reaction is to suspect you don’t care about anyone except yourself. It’s become a habit. I can tell you that I’ll work on it, but I may not always see it.”

“Me too, Daniel. I’ll work on taking your feelings into consideration. My habit won’t be any easier to break.”

“As for forgiving you, I can say I will start. Forgiving you means I can accept you had good reasons for your actions. I don’t know what they are. And I don’t want to know, at least not right now. I’m afraid I may take them as excuses. All I can say is that for now, I will assume you had good reasons. Maybe, in time, I will be ready to hear and understand them. Is that fair?”

“Yes, Daniel. A start is all I ask.” Jill has an overwhelming urge to rush over and hug Daniel, but she sees no sign of him being willing to accept it. His squirming suggests uneasiness.

Haiku capsule:

Hear another truth.

Accept their certainty.

Conciliation.

Next Blog: 

Little Things Matter