Sunday 26 March 2017

Nothing Is Free

Nothing is Free

If I take you out for dinner one night, does that mean the next time you have to take me out to eat? If I give you a lift to the mall, does that mean you owe me a ride in the future? Has a debt been incurred when a favour is done?
Answering those questions involves considering several factors. First, if I asked for the ride, then it may seem fair that my friend can ask for a ride in the future. If they were able, that is if they have a car, then it would seem fair that I could see them return the good deed. Certainly if a record is kept by either party it would seem like there’s an unspoken contract. Thirdly, if the recipient asks many times for a favor, the requester may feel like they are becoming a burden. Some kind of payment seems in order, even if the Samaritan says, “no problem. Forget it.”
What if the favors are offered freely, not requested? The dinner or the ride is a gift. Is the recipient bound to make similar offers? Because you bring a gift to my birthday party, am I obligated to bring a gift to your party? Of course one can say it is the considerate thing to do, but is it necessary? If you receive many gifts over a given time, then repayment may feel like an unwelcome burden. For one who anticipates a generous person flooding them with gifts or favors, a less stressful response might be not to accept gifts. Even if records aren’t kept an impression of help coming mostly one way can lead to a diminishing of one’s self esteem.
In my novel, Baggage burdens. Jill, the protagonist, is very careful to make sure she is not obligated to anyone. However, a car accident puts her in hospital. She’s unable to control the flow of well wishers and their good deeds. When Jill worries that she’ll never be able to repay everyone, Bill, a widower friend, questions her position––favors are like debts. 


“When you tried to walk across to the bathroom and your legs gave out, you didn’t give up. Like Matthew you weren’t going to quit until you reached your goal. I figure that couldn’t have been an easy decision for you either. I mean it took some time for you to decide to push on. Not that I minded holding you in my arms, but I thought that wasn’t what you were thinking of. I guessed you were worrying about being able to make the return trip.”
“You’re right. I was afraid I wouldn’t make it. I hated the possibility that I would have to be carried. I didn’t want to cause any trouble.”
“Trouble?”
“Having people do something extra for me, is kind of like doing me favors.”
“Something wrong with accepting favors?
“Yes. I once read an unreturned favor is like an unpaid debt. With everybody visiting me in the hospital and covering for me while I’m stuck here, it feels like I have a ton of debts. In a way it’s like I’m running a deficit budget. I’ll never be able to return the favors.”
“Have you thought of a favor as being a gift?”
“Same thing.”
Jill’s quick response silences Bill for a while. His eyes narrow and he looks down as if he’s trying to figure out answer to a puzzle.
“Hmmm.”
Jill recalls hearing that same response from Bill when she attended the family conference. It preceded a carefully worked out line of reasoning.
Jill’s curiosity spurs her. “What?”
Bill studies her face, trying to determine if she really wants to know what he has in mind. “You love your children dearly. Right?”
“Yes.”
“And you love to do anything for them to make them happy?”
“Yes.”
“I expect that you haven’t been keeping a tally to figure out how much they owe you?”
“Of course not. They’re family.”
“I see,” says Bill dragging out his response as if he is carefully considering her answer.
“Immediate family?”
“Yes.”
“And what about favors from an extended family? Do you keep tabs on the number of favors or gifts they give you?” Jill’s puzzled look prompts Bill to add, “Would Julie be considered family?”
“Yes.”
“So you don’t keep track of how many favors she’s done for you either?”
“No.”
“Now, what about close friends?”
Jill’s eyes squint as she tries to figure out where Bill is going with his last question.
“Thomas and Rebecca?” offers Bill. “Or are they part of the extended family, because they’re your children’s godparents?”
Jill takes a while considering this question. ‘Joseph and Thomas helped each other frequently. There’s no talk of who did what or when.’ Jill thinks of the good deeds she’s received at the hands of Rebecca. How many, she doesn’t know, but she does feel in Rebecca’s debt. Never has Rebecca indicated she keeps count. Thinking of Rebecca’s latest offer of help, Jill answers.
“None of us keep records. Things are done to make the other happy.”
“Precisely! You do favors as gifts because you care an awful lot for each other.
“Yes.”
“So maybe you should reconsider being worried about all the favors people are doing for you while you’re in the hospital. Perhaps you can see them as expressions of love for you, as signs that they think you’re a wonderful person.”
“I think you’re pushing it now.”
“Pushing what?”
“I’m a wonderful person.”
“Ask them. You might enjoy their answers.”
“I think I’ll pass on that.”
“Well, at least consider not worrying about repaying favors.”
“Okay. I’ll give that some thought.”


         haiku capsule:                 
 accepting favors     
gives birth to tomorrow’s debt
love keeps no records




Next blog:  The Photo Album Connections

Sunday 19 March 2017

Blind Men

Blind Men

The story of three blind men holds an important point about the significance of perspective. The blind men went out for a walk. They came up to an unexpected object. Using their sense of feel to discover the nature of their obstruction, they came up with three different impressions. The first man described the obstruction as undoubtedly very large, leathery with a few wrinkles. He thought there was no easy way around it. The second man agreed in part with his friend. The object was indeed large and leathery, but it seemed to be placed on a very large stump like cylinder. However, it was too heavy to lift or push aside. The third man wondered if they were talking about the same object. To him the thing blocking them, while leathery and wrinkly was very flexible. It was round like a person’s arm, and it moved around easily on its own. Going around it was possible.
Backing a couple of steps from the stumbling block, they sat down to consider the facts. Each insisted that their information was accurate and so they were. Each argued that the others were wrong in what they thought they encountered. Finally the third man convinced his friends to join him on exploring again the mysterious object. When they stepped forward together again, they discovered the object was no longer there. Unknown to them the elephant had moved.
What they bumped into was too massive for them to signally comprehend. They each had part of the picture. However, even together they didn’t have all the facts. I submit so it is with people’s expressions of the god that they worship. There is a confidence in the areas that they have studied. Disbelief and sometimes fear accompanies descriptions that differ from that own learning.
From that perspective the author of Baggage burdens. leads Jill, the protagonist, through several different Christian responses to the Bible’s message. Jill’s father and mother each had different approaches to their understanding of how to live a Christian life. Jill accepted neither. While Jill appreciated the help that she received from the Christian hands of Mrs. Maxwell when Jill was homeless and later from her Christian friends, Mary and Ann, Jill’s belief system remained unaltered. The creator god was an impersonal god who had strange followers like people in a rural conservative church near her country home. Equally puzzling was a widower friend who believed in a personal caring god.
What is to be made of this? While one can sit and argue who is right or whose concept is best like the three blind men, from my perspective there is another approach. Acknowledge differences, and look to the future for corroborating clarification or revelation. We are given to each other to be a source of help not frustration.

Meet Jill’s Friends

Silence shouts at Jill. She realizes she asked to stay the night, but her stay could be longer. ‘Mrs. Maxwell won’t accept me. She’s searching for an alternative place for me to sleep. Could Robin be home yet?’ 
“Jill.”
‘She’s going to turn me out now.’ Jill hears the tea pouring into the cups. 
“Jill.” Mrs. Maxwell waits until Jill looks at her. 
Tears blur Jill’s vision.
“I want to thank you for showing that you thought you could trust me. I’m sure this wasn’t easy.” She pauses for a few seconds. 
Jill wraps her hands around the teacup, absorbing its heat. 
“I have to tell you there isn’t very much I can do for you.” Mrs. Maxwell pauses.
‘Oh no, no.’ Jill can’t believe that she will be asked to leave when she finishes her tea. She shivers.
“If you don’t mind, I can bring you a pillow and a blanket and let you sleep in the parlor tonight. The couch isn’t very comfortable, but at least it’s warm.”
Jill smiles. As Mrs. Maxwell continues, Jill sips her tea. 
 “For a longer term solution I would like to refer you to Mrs. Robertson. She helps manage the Home-Away-From-Home project. Have you heard of that before?” Reading Jill’s furrowed brow, Mrs. Maxwell elaborates. “Protestant churches in the area fund a couple of houses to provide shelter, some food, and counseling for young people who have serious problems. I expect Mrs. Robertson will be in church later this morning. I’d like to talk to her about your situation. I know she’ll do everything she can for you. She’s done this kind of work for several years. Will you let me talk to her? See if she can help?”


After the pastor moves on to other families entering the church, Jill thinks, ‘He knows so much about me. I’m not even a member of the church.’
Joseph and Jill sit with Ann, Pete, Scott and Julie. Ann slides close to Jill and hugs her. Pete extends a welcoming hand to Joseph. To avoid any conversation about how she’s doing Jill starts reading the church bulletin. Two separate taps on her shoulder come from behind. Ellen and her friend, Ada, welcome Jill. “We’d met her at Ann’s place a few times,” Jill whispers to Joseph. After the service before Jill can head for the vehicle, Gloria Brewster, the Sunday school superintendent, calls out. She too, greets Jill with a hug and questions about how she is doing. Ruth, the pastor’s wife, welcomes Jill. Before Jill knows it, several ladies in the foyer surround her. All express their sympathy and support.
Seeing Jill happily preoccupied, Joseph distracts his children by pointing to the juice and cookies. He takes Matthew in his arms and joins Scott and Julie.
Scott points to Jill. “So many people. You’d think she was a long time member here.”
“Yeh,” says Joseph smiling.
 “I’m surprised so many people have come to talk to Jill,” says Julie.
“I’m not,” says Joseph. “You see, last week before Jill suggested we come here, I called Anne. I told her I was worried about Jill. I thought Jill was merely going through the motions of her work at home. There was no sense of joy or energy. I hoped Ann might be able to help. Ann said, Leave it to me. I think I know how to raise Jill’s spirits.
“And?” asks Julie.
“See for yourself. I’ll bet as soon as Ann heard that Jill was coming to church she called some women and told them the good news.”

Jill remembers Joseph paraphrasing a sermon he once heard. “We’re called to protect each other’s good name.”
Jill had fired back. “What good name?”
“Fred loves Gertrude. Her children love her. And she does several works of charity. She has a love for the poor.”
“But she belittles me so often.”
“A blind spot, a human frailty. It’s evidence she doesn’t have the capability to see how you can be loving in a different way.” Joseph rebutted. “Because of her weakness she needs our defense, our protecting her good name.”

“Something wrong?” asks Bill.
“I don’t think I can do it,” Jill confesses. “Whatever I come up with sounds like I’m making excuses. That’ll never work.”
“The fact that you can recognize what doesn’t work proves you will come up with the right words. And if you don’t, don’t worry. No one is perfect. You can do it. I’m sure of it. Trust me.”
“I don’t know.”
“Jill, you really have to work on that trust. Believe me when I say I know you can do it.”
“But I don’t want to blow it.”
“Do you want help?”
“You can’t tell me what to say. It has to come from me.”
“You’re right, but I know how I can help you come up with the right words.”
“How?”
“Pray.”
“Pray?”
“Yes. Pray. I’ll ask God to lead you in your talk with your son.”
“I don’t know.”
“You sound like Moses when he said to the Lord that he didn’t have the ability to speak to pharaoh. Remember. God gave him the ability he needed.”
“That’s in the Bible. That’s a long time ago.”
“You don’t think it happens today?”
“Not to my knowledge. I’ve never heard anyone claim that God inspired them to say anything of value.”
“Then hear it now. Many times in talking with clients at the Wellness Center and even when I was the personnel manager I’ve said things I never thought of. Some times I said things in ways I wouldn’t have imagined. I’ve given thanks to the Lord for opening my eyes, or rather opening my mouth at the right time and saying the right things. Believe me, it pays to ask for the Lord’s guidance in uncertain times.”
Bill speaks with such confidence that Jill refrains from challenging him. Her doubts continue to plague her to the point of considering giving up on the idea of talking to Daniel. Jill remains silent.
Bill asks, “Would you like me to pray with you, to ask for the Lord’s leading on this healing venture?”
Jill nods.

             haiku capsule:                 
 an interruption     
partial descriptions confuse
together headway


Next blog:  Nothing is Free.

Sunday 12 March 2017

Change Agent


  Change Agent
s
Wow! What a change agent! That’s the impression I received after reading this message: “A true friend will never try to change you, but you will change for a true friend.”
What kind of person might this true friend be? All kinds of traits crop up. Depending upon a person’s circumstances different personality traits might be more valuable at one time than another. However, it is not just the friend’s traits that are important, it is also how one perceives that friend. In musing about the nature of a true friend certain elements standout: unquestioned caring, respect, and deep understanding leading to a devoted trust, all of which take time to establish. While a family setting may provide a fertile ground for such a relationship to grow, my novel, Baggage burdens. shows other settings too.
Sometimes it is not easy to qualify to be someone’s true friend. Jill, the protagonist, in my novel is such a person.  Because of some very stressful past relationships, Jill has promised herself that no one again will ever control or influence her. Rely on yourself. Trust no one. She told herself. For more than twenty years she honors that commitment. Only a few people (Joseph, her husband, Julie her second cousin, Mary, a friend and employer, and Bill, a Family Conference friend) have temporarily gained her trust and influenced Jill. The only person Jill feels she has absolute love, admiration, respect, and trust for her is Amanda, Jill’s eldest daughter. It is Amanda who will initiate a profound and ultimately a life-changing challenge for Jill.

A voice wakes Jill. Scrambling to grasp reality Jill guesses she hears Amber from the kitchen. ‘She’s home so soon. Oh yes. It’s Saturday. The groceries.’ Jill quickly manufactures a confident face for her daughter. Together they put the groceries away.
Jill is unaware that Amber is biding her time. Amber’s brother and some boys from the church are painting the fence for the Boys and Girls Club. Sarah is at her part time job. When the groceries are put away, Amber fires her first question.
“How did you get home from the hospital Thursday?”
“What do you mean how?” Jill buys time to consider her response.
“Just that. How did you get home? Who brought you?”
“A cab. Why?”
“Didn’t Mr. Wynchuk offer you a ride?
“I guess.”
“You guess?”
“Okay. Yes he did.”
“And you didn’t let him take you home?”
“Maybe I didn’t want him to know where we live.”
“Buuull shiiiit!” Amber’s voice reaches two octaves above her previous question.
“Amber! Your language!”
“What? You find it offensive? It stinks? I can understand that. It’s like your last answer. It stinks. It stinks so bad I have to turn my face away.”
“Amber, you’re over reacting.”
“You expect me to believe you were worried Mr. Wynchuk would know where we live? Don’t you think he was visiting Dad and the rest of us while you were in the hospital? Come on?”
It never occurred to Jill that Bill spent time with her family. ‘I thought he’d only phone them.’
“He helped us in so many ways. How could you? How could you ditch him?”
“For that very reason,” Jill fires back confident she is about to gain the upper hand. “He’s done so much for us. I’ll never be able to repay him. The worse thing I can do is add to that debt.”
“Your debt? You think he was only helping you. Let me tell you he was helping the whole family.”
Amber reads Jill’s surprise.
“Yes, the whole family, Sarah, Matthew, Daniel, me and Aunt Julie.”
“Really!”
“Julie couldn’t take care of all of us so I got farmed out to Daniel. He and I fought. Then Dad came. Who do you think convinced Dad to come?”
“Daniel.” Jill answers confidently.
“Wrong! Mr. Wynchuk. He talked Dad into coming back while you were in the hospital. Mr. Wynchuk said we all really need his help.”
“Oh no.” Shock wracks Jill’s response.
“So you see if there is a debt then it is one that the whole family owes Bill, not just you. Right?”
Amber’s pause forces a nod from Jill.
“But with Mr. Wynchuk there is no such thing as debt. He’s helping because he cares a lot for us. He expects nothing in return.”
Amber sees and ignores Jill shaking her head in disagreement.
“Do you know he picked us up after you were in the accident?”
Jill nods.
“Do you know he visited you almost every day that you were in the hospital?”
“I heard something about that.”
“And why do you think he was so attentive?”
“I don’t know.”
“Are you blind? Can’t you see he loves you?”
“Don’t be ridiculous. You’re too young to know about love.”
“He does. Who else would lavish so much attention on anyone?”
“You’re too young to know about that kind of love.”
“Really! Then why do you think he devotes so much time to you?”
“I told you I don’t know. But it’s not love. I haven’t given him any reason to love me.”
“So I’m too young to know what’s going on. And you’re, you’re too, too confused to know what’s going on. How about Aunt Rebecca? Do you think she has a good grasp of reality? Would you trust what she says?”
Not knowing what else to do, Jill nods.
“She thinks Mr. Wynchuk is a lonely man.”
“Nonsense.”
“Ask her. I did.”
“He has lots of friends in church and at the Wellness Center.”
 “Aunt Rebecca says since he lost his wife he has no one with whom he trusts to share his private thoughts, his hopes, his concerns. Certainly the people at the Wellness Center wouldn’t qualify. They have enough troubles of their own. Aunt Rebecca says he has a hard time sharing anything really personal. Only now, after Uncle Thomas and Aunt Rebecca have invited him for supper to their place several times is he starting to open up.”
“Sharing personal things? Like what?”
“I don’t know. Aunt Rebecca wouldn’t say. Has he ever shared anything really personal with you?”
Jill thinks back to the time when they were in Chicago. Revelations about being unable to help Donna, about being uncomfortable sitting by her still body surface.
Jill's non-answer prompts, “He has. I can see it in your face. You see. He is lonely. He’s looking for some one to love, someone to love him.”
Jill shakes her head.
“Don’t believe me? Then ask Aunt Rebecca. Those were her conclusions.”
Jill leans against the counter as if she can’t concentrate enough to keep her balance.
“And how did you treat him? He offered to drive you home. And you took a cab. You let him come for nothing. You made him look like a fool.”
“Hey! Where are you getting all this?”
“I told you Mr. Wynchuk came to Aunt Rebecca’s dinner on Friday. He was hurt. I’ve never seen him so low. He told us you left before he got there. He learned you took a cab. It’s like you didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. He couldn’t figure out what he’d done wrong. Uncle Thomas and Aunt Rebecca tried to lift his spirits, but they didn’t really succeed. Mom. How could you be so mean? He’s such a nice man.”
“Amber, I’ve missed six weeks of my life. I’m still trying to get my bearings.”
Jill looks at her daughter who is expecting a reasonable explanation. She wants to say she needs time to adjust to the changes she’s seen in the family. They’re so unexpected. Adding the wrinkle of another person would be too much to handle.
 ‘No. Amber can’t suspect I can’t cope.’ Watching Amber’s faith in her dissolve forces Jill to say, “Maybe I misread things.” Jill hopes her confession dampens Amber’s anger.
“Then you should explain that to Mr. Wynchuk. Call him up. Apologize. Even invite him over for supper, like we used to.”
“I don’t know Amber.”
“Well, you better do something, because right now your actions are stinking up this whole place.




        haiku capsule:                 
Daughter’s biting words     
“Redeem a hurting friendship.”
A repentance call.



Next blog:  Three Blind Men