Nothing is Free
If I take you out for dinner one night, does that mean the next time you have to take me out to eat? If I give you a lift to the mall, does that mean you owe me a ride in the future? Has a debt been incurred when a favour is done?
Answering those questions involves considering several factors. First,
if I asked for the ride, then it may seem fair that my friend can ask for a
ride in the future. If they were able, that is if they have a car, then it
would seem fair that I could see them return the good deed. Certainly if a record
is kept by either party it would seem like there’s an unspoken contract. Thirdly,
if the recipient asks many times for a favor, the requester may feel like they
are becoming a
burden. Some kind of payment seems in order, even if the Samaritan
says, “no problem. Forget it.”
What if the favors are offered freely, not requested? The dinner or
the ride is a gift. Is the recipient bound to make similar offers? Because you
bring a gift to my birthday party, am I obligated to bring a gift to your
party? Of course one can say it is the considerate thing to do, but is it
necessary? If you receive many gifts over a given time, then repayment may feel
like an unwelcome burden. For one who anticipates a generous person flooding
them with gifts or favors, a less stressful response might be not to accept gifts.
Even if records aren’t kept an impression of help coming mostly one way can lead
to a diminishing of one’s self esteem.
In my novel, Baggage burdens. Jill, the protagonist, is
very careful to make sure she is not obligated to anyone. However, a car
accident puts her in hospital. She’s unable to control the flow of well wishers
and their good deeds. When Jill worries that she’ll never be able to repay
everyone, Bill, a widower friend, questions her position––favors are like
debts.
“When
you tried to walk across to the bathroom and your legs gave out, you didn’t
give up. Like Matthew you weren’t going to quit until you reached your goal. I
figure that couldn’t have been an easy decision for you either. I mean it took
some time for you to decide to push on. Not that I minded holding you in my
arms, but I thought that wasn’t what you were thinking of. I guessed you were
worrying about being able to make the return trip.”
“You’re
right. I was afraid I wouldn’t make it. I hated the possibility that I would
have to be carried. I didn’t want to cause any trouble.”
“Trouble?”
“Having
people do something extra for me, is kind of like doing me favors.”
“Something
wrong with accepting favors?
“Yes.
I once read an unreturned favor is like an unpaid debt. With everybody visiting
me in the hospital and covering for me while I’m stuck here, it feels like I
have a ton of debts. In a way it’s like I’m running a deficit budget. I’ll
never be able to return the favors.”
“Have
you thought of a favor as being a gift?”
“Same
thing.”
Jill’s
quick response silences Bill for a while. His eyes narrow and he looks down as
if he’s trying to figure out answer to a puzzle.
“Hmmm.”
Jill
recalls hearing that same response from Bill when she attended the family
conference. It preceded a carefully worked out line of reasoning.
Jill’s
curiosity spurs her. “What?”
Bill
studies her face, trying to determine if she really wants to know what he has
in mind. “You love your children dearly. Right?”
“Yes.”
“And
you love to do anything for them to make them happy?”
“Yes.”
“I
expect that you haven’t been keeping a tally to figure out how much they owe
you?”
“Of
course not. They’re family.”
“I
see,” says Bill dragging out his response as if he is carefully considering her
answer.
“Immediate
family?”
“Yes.”
“And
what about favors from an extended family? Do you keep tabs on the number of
favors or gifts they give you?” Jill’s puzzled look prompts Bill to add, “Would
Julie be considered family?”
“Yes.”
“So
you don’t keep track of how many favors she’s done for you either?”
“No.”
“Now,
what about close friends?”
Jill’s
eyes squint as she tries to figure out where Bill is going with his last
question.
“Thomas
and Rebecca?” offers Bill. “Or are they part of the extended family, because
they’re your children’s godparents?”
Jill
takes a while considering this question. ‘Joseph and Thomas helped each other
frequently. There’s no talk of who did what or when.’ Jill thinks of the good
deeds she’s received at the hands of Rebecca. How many, she doesn’t know, but
she does feel in Rebecca’s debt. Never has Rebecca indicated she keeps count.
Thinking of Rebecca’s latest offer of help, Jill answers.
“None
of us keep records. Things are done to make the other happy.”
“Precisely!
You do favors as gifts because you care an awful lot for each other.
“Yes.”
“So
maybe you should reconsider being worried about all the favors people are doing
for you while you’re in the hospital. Perhaps you can see them as expressions
of love for you, as signs that they think you’re a wonderful person.”
“I
think you’re pushing it now.”
“Pushing
what?”
“I’m
a wonderful person.”
“Ask
them. You might enjoy their answers.”
“I
think I’ll pass on that.”
“Well,
at least consider not worrying about repaying favors.”
“Okay.
I’ll give that some thought.”
 |
haiku capsule:
accepting favors
gives birth to tomorrow’s debt
love keeps no records
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