LOVE is Not BLIND

Love Is Not Blind  

                                                          

The “love is blind,” quote is often used to show that one doesn’t see the shortcomings in their spouse, girlfriend or boyfriend. One might says that you overlook the faults of the one you love. For the person who doesn’t make an issue about their partner or friend’s fault, it may seem like a compliment, a passing compliment, but it is not an honors compliment. Much more can be done.

In my novel, Baggage burdens. the approach of not challenging one who has behavioral problems is present in the lives of Frank and Alice Rezley, Jill’s parents. Alice doesn’t pressure Frank to quit drinking. She realizes it’s a symptom of a deeper problem. Alice’s love is more intentional and caring. She pays close attention to the influences impacting her husband, deduces the cause of his disturbing actions, and takes compensating actions. This isn’t a woman who isn’t blind about her husband’s faults. This is a loving woman who is very much aware of Frank’s shortcomings and their causes. Frank is blessed to be the beneficiary of such a deep, rich love.

In the two passages below Kathy tells her sister, Jill, what she learned from her mother about Frank before her mother died.

“Mom told me that at heart Father had an inferiority complex. It mostly disappeared when he became known as a wizard with engines. That changed a few years after I was born. He doubted he was a good father.”

Frank began comparing himself with other fathers at work. The ones that caught his ear were men who had sons, sons who were older and could horse around with their father in various sports activities. In Frank’s mind taking his daughter to church, out for ice cream or to the show were non-events. Frank had nothing to share with his fellow workers. Kathy didn’t play piano, dance or sing. Frank felt like he wasn’t connecting with his children, he couldn’t relate to them. He had nothing to brag about. As a result his inferiority complex kicked in. He was an inadequate father.

[]

“Remember the first school play you asked us all to attend?”

Jill nods.

“Well Father encouraged many of his friends at work to come. He said you were in the play. He failed to realize that you worked in the play. You were a set designer. His friends later asked which character you were. He had to admit he was wrong. You weren’t an actor. He felt so embarrassed. Mom said it took a long time after that before he asked about your school involvements. Later she learned he’d been teased about how little he knew about his children.”

“So, you’re saying Mom felt sorry for Father?”

“More than that. I think she tried to get him to overlook the mistakes and see that he was a good father. She pointed out that we were hard working like he was. We had high marks at school. We were well dressed, respectful, orderly. I think she tried to build up his image of a good father in ways that he would appreciate. Mom said that is what you do for the people you love.”

“So Mom loved him.” Jill shook her head. The man her mother painted was so different from what she thought he was.

“Mom loved her man, a vulnerable man,” says Kathy.

                                                                                        haiku capsule:   

              

observant lover

sees causes of spouse’s pain

penetrating eyes

Next blog: Responding to Failure

Don't Ask Me to Reconsider

Don’t Ask Me to Reconsider

A climax has been reached. A character acts on a very tough decision. The position is now public. Why would anyone change their mind? Chances are the decision involved strong, battling emotions, which dragged out for too long. Rethink implies the original considerations were tainted with carelessness, prejudice, or lack of insight. Those factors don’t motivate one to engage in another time of turmoil.

A claim, “Your stubborn,” rarely moves one to be more flexible. A perception that one is reasonable and open to finding the truth has a better change in altering a stand. For a person heavily impacted by emotion, like fear, wisdom recommends avoid anyone who might attempt to appeal to your reasonable nature. If one is confident in their carefully thought-out position, they may accept a reexamination. They would prepare to rebut any challenge, a time of even greater tension. Often strong positions are well considered. It’s not reason that can bring about change, but an appeal to a value, a higher value than the one already chosen.

These factors come to play in my novel, Baggage burdens. Mountaintop tensions rock the lives of Jill, twice when she is a teen, and in Joseph’s life after 27 years of marriage. Jill has mixed feelings about her decision to runaway from home. Rehashing the painful factors that lead her to her position is unthinkable. To her friend, Robin, she changes the subject. Instead she says she needs to find a place to sleep tonight. When Jill decides to runaway before her loving grandmother arrives, Jill uses compassion to avoid her friend, Karen’s attempt, to question Jill’s stand.

In Joseph’s mind, his position to divorce his wife is based on sound reasoning. He forcefully faces his best friends’ reasonable challenges until they appeal to a value that he holds as more important than his comfort level.

Robin guesses something is wrong. After Robin promises to keep Jill’s secret, Jill says, “I’ve run away from home.”

“What happened?” Robin takes her eyes off the road and scans Jill’s body for any sign of injury. She knows about the problems Jill has had with her father.

 “I don’t want to talk about it.” She is afraid that talking about last night may expose that she isn’t very confident about her decision to leave home. ‘All I need is to have Robin trying to convince me to go back.’

Robin pulls into the school parking lot. “Are you sure? We don’t have to go to class.” Robin parks far from any other cars. “I’d like to help you in any way I can.”

Hoping to change the topic, Jill asks if she can store her backpacks in the trunk. Robin quickly agrees but insists that Jill fill her in on the details. Before Robin can ask her anything else, Jill announces that she’s going to attend class.

“You’re kidding!”

“I need a distraction.” Jill lies. By pretending to be working in class, Jill thinks she can hide from Robin’s questions, from anyone’s questions.

“That’s precisely why you both should seek counseling,” persists Thomas.

Shaking his head, Joseph says, “If she doesn’t want to try to make me happy after all these years, counseling isn’t going to change that. The best I could hope for is that she sees our marriage as a job, a job sees doesn’t care to do but must. That’s no marriage.”

“If that is the case, why would Jill have called here three times?” says Rebecca.

“She phoned!” Joseph’s head jerks up.

“Three times,” repeats Rebecca.

“What did you say?”

“Just that we’d give you the message. She didn’t say why she called, just that it was important. I’d say there is a marriage there for you to restore.”

“If you want to,” adds Thomas.

“So will you call her?” Rebecca reaches across the table to hold Joseph’s hand, but he’s out of her reach. He makes no effort to close the distance. Instead he looks to the floor again. His silence prompts further urging from Rebecca. “Joseph?”

Joseph looks at Thomas’s anxious face, then at Rebecca’s. “You don’t know how hard it was for me to make this decision. It’s too late to turn back.”

“For the sake of your children, the ones you say are most important to you. Don’t you think it’s worth a try?”

Rebecca notes Joseph tightening grip on the side of the table. Hoping his resolve is weakening, she advances a revised idea. “You still see Bill from time to time, don’t you?”

“Yes.”

“And you trust him?”

“Yes.”

“You know solving personal relationship problems is what he does. Would you consider letting him try to see if he can bring about a better resolution than leaving? I’ll bet he’d jump at a chance to help the two of you.”

Thomas pats Rebecca’s back. “He’s a person Jill knows and trusts. I’ll bet she’d be willing to talk with him.” They look at each other, confident they’ve found a solution. Turning their attention back to Joseph, they await his response.

Joseph nods, looking down at the floor as if he’s been defeated.

         haiku capsule:                 

thoughtful made-up mind

no re-examination

position firmly held

Next blog: Love Is Not Blind

PAST––Leave Me Alone

PAST

Leave Me Alone

Two words––“Dear” and “tapping”–– invite a reunion. The latent closeness in those words tugs at the heart. They're unsuccessful. Something happened in the past that makes returning impossible. A pain hurts so much. It overwhelms even recalling what was once pleasant.

This kind of dilemma faces Jill, the protagonist, in my novel, Baggage burdens. Fear and anger torments her. It overrides her desire to return home to her grandmother. It’s so overpowering that it follows Jill from one city to another, from one province to another, from one decade to another. Then Jill feels another tapping on her shoulder. It tests her to her utmost––her grandmother is ill. Now what? Return to Ontario, to her grandmother’s side or not?

Julie handed Bill a copy of an email she received from Kathy, Jill’s sister.

The message described Kathy’s perception of Josey as being very unhappy since Christmas. The staff at the senior facility made the same observation. Kathy’s explanation was that Josey has nothing to look forward to. If Josey knew that Jill was coming to see her, Josey’s whole outlook would change. Was there anything that Julie could do to get Jill to come down?

“The power of your father is greater than that of your grandmother,” says Bill.

“You don’t understand. I hate him. I don’t ever want to see him again. I don’t want to hear him attack me again.” Jill adjusts her position preparing to defend herself.

Bill’s relaxed posture doesn’t change, forcing Jill to calm down. “Exactly. Your hatred for your father is more powerful than your love for your grandmother.”

Jill's first impulse is to say, ‘what do you expect?’ Her gut response upsets her. She pauses. ‘Oh no. I hate! Hate! That’s like my father. Can’t be. I left, so I wouldn’t be like him.’

Rejecting her perceived insight she searches for a more plausible reaction to her father. Bill’s words, power of your father, nudge a disturbing conclusion.

‘I’m afraid of my father? How? Why?’

No sooner do the questions surface than the answer dawns on her. The almost forgotten memories send a damp tremor through her. The words, “I’m afraid,” spill out of her mouth.

“Afraid! Afraid of what?”

Jill is surprised to see Bill heard her. She thought she only mumbled. His attention on her is so focused that she knows she can’t brush away her comment.

“Afraid of my father. Ever since I ran away from home he’s haunted me. I’ve had nightmares. I kept hearing him challenge what I’ve done, telling me that I will fail, laughing at me. It’s like I can’t get away from him.”

The confession that tumbles from Jill’s lips surprises her. She has never thought about the deep male voice in her dreams as her father speaking. Her words leave little doubt about their validity. Not wanting to go to Ontario now makes sense. She is afraid his malevolent spirit will find her again. The torturous attacks will begin again.

haiku capsule:                 

shadows from the past

lurk, to snare forgetful ones

You have Hell to pay.

Next blog: DECISION:

Too Tough to Reconsider 

Lonely is a Hollow Shell

      Lonely is a Hollow Shell

If you aren’t married to a passion that provides personal fulfillment, then being lonely is one of the worst experiences in life. The setting in which loneliness takes place is important.  Lonely in a crowd of strangers?––big deal. Lonely in a community in which you are involved hurts to the core. Your presence is acknowledged, but you aren’t important enough to talk to. It creates the impression that you are not important; you are unworthy of attention. Where then is one’s value affirmed? From family, perhaps mother, father, uncle, aunt, brothers, sisters, son, daughter, even a pet. In the absence of friends in a community or family, being lonely is like living in an empty shell. Why would one accept being lonely?

In my novel, Baggage burdens. Joseph experiences the gnawing discomfort of loneliness in ever increasing degrees. As an only child, he has just his parents to look to for love. No siblings. Not serious you say. Then his parents die. His grandparents adopt him. While they are caring people, it’s not the same. The antagonistic nature of the four uncles, who still live with Joseph’s grandparents, proves to be isolating for Joseph. Then, from the fifth uncle, Uncle Mike, Joseph inherits a farm in the community of orthodox Christians.  There, he is publicly accepted, but there is little personal socializing. Joseph manages until Butch, Uncle Mike’s dog, dies. What now? His answer––start your own family. It’s an answer that temporarily solves his loneliness. Like his Uncle Mike he discovers what is worse than being lonely.

Silence returns as Joseph stares down at his runners. Then he looks directly at Jill. In a very serious tone, he asks, “Do you think I’m weird?”

“Different, not weird.” 

Her answer takes only a second. He quits fidgeting.

 “I am weird. At least that’s what my uncles said.”

 Joseph’s confession is a little louder than a whisper, almost as if he doesn’t want to let her in on an embarrassing part of his life. Once again he looks down at his feet.

When he doesn’t say anything, Jill places her hand on Joseph’s hand to comfort him.

“Defending my Uncle Mike often got me in a lot of trouble.”

His younger brothers labeled Uncle Mike and then Joseph as the black sheep of the family.

 “You know,” begins Joseph. He pauses and swallows. “You know, Uncle Mike left me two-thirds of his land. I was only twenty-one. His will said I was like a son to him. Uncle Mike never married.” 

Tears flood Joseph’s eyes again. They stop walking. Jill wraps both her arms around Joseph and holds him until she hears him whisper her name. 

He steps back. “I’d like to tell you something.” He pauses. “It’s very, very personal, and I’m afraid it may turn you off.  If it bothers you, promise you’ll pretend I never said anything?”

Jill provides a cautious response. “I’ll try. What is it?”

Joseph holds both her hands in his. “I’m afraid I might end up like Uncle Mike. I’ll die alone, unmarried, without children.”

Jill shakes her head. “No, you’re too nice a person.”

“So was Uncle Mike. You see, I live in a community, no near a community, that while they accept me, I know they don’t trust me. They don’t want me near their daughters. It’s like they’ve spread the word that I’m a leper or something. I attend all their social events, and I go to their church, but there is always a multitude of chaperones around the girls when I’m around. I’ve seen that’s not the case with other young guys.

haiku capsule:                 

so hard to admit

not wanted, embarrassing

heart of loneliness

Next blog: PAST,

Leave Me Alone

Not Perfect

      Not      Perfect

No one is perfect. Where’s the surprise in that? Have you ever heard of someone being placed on a pedestal, a pastor perhaps, a dad or mom? Occasionally, a person may appear to be so good that they may as well be seen as perfect. A rare occurrence you might say. In fiction such as character may seem unreal. The writer may be seen as biased.

In my novel, Baggage burdens. the protagonist, Jill, sees her grandmother, Josey, as the most perfect person. It is the character’s view for good reason. Not only did Josey rescue Jill when Jill was homeless, but she is a resourceful determined woman. Josey accomplished things that Jill thought were impossible. Josey is also wealthy. Jill would like to grow up to be like her grandmother. One might suspect that by the end of the novel, Jill will be in for a reality shock.

But really, what is Josey’s nature? The reader gets a hint that Josey is not perfect. She is an intolerant woman who can’t mind her own business. Of course that’s the opinion of Frank, Jill’s father, a person who drinks frequently. While Josey thinks he has a drinking problem, he doesn’t. Josey’s information about Jill and her family come from her grapevines. Even when Jill moves three provinces to the west, Josey is able to eventually establish a social network to keep tabs on her illusive granddaughter. Nosey? Or resourceful? As Josey nears ninety, she refuses to follow the advice of her health care staff and use a walker. Instead she relies on her faithful cane. Stubborn? Or determined? Josey missed Jill’s first marriage. Once she hears that that Bill has asked Jill to marry him, Josey immediately begins planning Jill’s wedding. Jill reluctantly accepts her grandmother’s initiative. When Josey makes Jill’s hair appointment, Jill objects. Is Josey being controlling or kind? While Jill may still see her grandmother a perfect, will the reader see Josey as flawed, real, human or perfect?

As Bill stands to leave, Josey feels her hopes of talking to Bill privately are slipping away. She wants to know Bill more as a person, to know his feelings towards her granddaughter too. Even more she wants Bill’s thoughts on how he sees Jill’s doing. She suspects Julie may not have told her everything about Jill. She also wants to compare the information she has received from Bill’s pastor with Bill’s impressions of Jill. Before Bill walks too far away, Josey calls him back.

“Bill, if you aren’t doing anything tomorrow morning, when Jill is with Kathy, her sister, why don’t you come and visit me for a while? I can show you the place I live at. That’s if you’re not doing anything?”

Josey’s pride on being well informed leads Bill to suspect that when he goes to visit her later in the morning he’ll be under her microscope. By questioning Jill about Josey’s relationship with Kathy, Bill hopes to garner an idea of what Josey’s expects from him.

Before Bill flew to Oshawa, he’d done an Internet search on the Sommerfeld background. He’d learned that Josey’s husband, George, originally was connected with the railroad. Later, dabbling in commercial real estate investment, he amassed a huge fortune. For the last couple of decades Josey’s heavy involvement in philanthropic adventures earned her respect from many people and organizations.

Yesterday he visited a few of the charities with which Josey was associated. Admiration for Josey’s financial, promotional and organizational talents echoed over and over. She did everything from financing and directing to hands on work. The people Bill talked to all believed Josey’s energy suggested she was at least ten years younger than her actual age.

Bill suspects Josey will have high expectations of anyone who wishes to be involved with her granddaughter. Impressing Josey could be a major bonus. If she lets Jill know she approves of Bill, then there would be a greater chance that Jill would accept his marriage proposal.

haiku capsule:                 

too good to be true

an angel in human form

must be a mistake

Next blog: Lonely is a Hollow Shell