Abuse

A B U S E 

Abuse. The horrors that victims endure during their torturous time seem unbelievable. How could anyone harm another person so selfishly? The recent “me to” stories reveal that the effects of mistreatment last for a long time. It makes the maltreatment even more abhorrent. 

The victim’s shame often leaves the consequences of the mistreatment hidden. All that may be experienced by others is latent psychological effects. PTSD victims often explode or burrow into themselves. Silence is their visible sign of deep troubles. Many abuse victims manage to cope with daily living making them seem okay. However, seeing a particular sight or hearing certain words results in a flashback and actions that seem out of context to friends or family. Those actions may even result in others drifting away leaving the victim more isolated with their hang-up. At times strange deep engrained values appear. Because of the intensity of the expressed values, the cause of those values is rarely explored. Without airing the cause of those values the latent abuse effect remains untreated. 

The above shared insights became known to me when I befriended an intelligent person seen by others as “weird” or “strange.” Her odd thoughts or actions caused others to drift away from her when it didn’t appear to be obvious. When circumstances paired us together I noted her unexpected avoidance. Her sadness, her desire to be alone to wrestle with a problem that arose from some of her behaviors opened the door to caring questions. Then scales of secrecy began to slip a bit, and then a bit more. With her admission of experiencing abuse as a child came understandings of present “strange” behaviors and reasons why others, even family chose to distance themselves from her. It is that reality that motivated the telling of Jill’s struggles in the novel, Baggage burdens.

A Disturbing Unexpected Action

“Jill. I have a question.”

“Uh-huh.” 

“It’s kind of—of a sensitive one.” 

She closes her book and looks at Joseph. His serious expression dismisses the sun’s soothing rays on her back.

“Remember when we were walking to Waikiki Beach in the morning?”

Jill nods.

“Well, I saw the skateboarder coming. I reached out to pull you to safety. You pulled away.” Joseph pauses. “Why?”

Jill looks down at her closed book. Joseph waits for Jill to offer an explanation. 

“I was trying to protect you, but you jumped away like I was trying to hurt you.” His statement hangs there. “Did you think I was going to hurt you?”

Jill nods.

“Why?”

Jill searches for an explanation. The only answer she comes up with is one she is sure Joseph won’t understand. 

 “It’s instinctive,” she mumbles. 

“Instinctive! Then you really did think I was going to hurt you. I could see it if it was someone else, but, but me—” 

Jill remains silent.

Joseph says, “I’m confused. There are times we touch each other in such tender ways—” He pauses. “—like last night. Then in really important times, like when it comes to your safety, I can’t do a thing for you. I don’t want to see you hurt. I want to prevent it. Standing by and watching you get hurt—you know, that’s so frustrating.”

Haiku capsule:

Some strange behaviors

Unbelievable backlash

Trouble. Step away.

Next Blog: 

Road to Reconciliation

Treating Symptoms

Treating Symptoms 

“Taking these pain pills should help,” says the doctor.

When it comes to hiding the pain from an arthritic knee he is right, at least for four or eight or maybe twelve hours. Then the pain is back. Time for more pills. The problem is still there. I know. 

What’s more, taking more pills for even greater pain serves to over work the kidneys. By only treating symptoms more problems are being created. While treating symptoms until the main problem can be dealt with is a wise strategy, but not if there is no intention for further treatment. Suffering from pain is not worth treating symptoms only. Adding more problems is not worth treating symptoms only.

The problems arising from treating symptoms of pain are no different than treating psychological pains. Unless one deals with the underlining problem to depression or ongoing unhappiness the sadness and possibly angry outbursts will continue Those outbursts may hurt others creating new issues that need to be dealt with. The continuation of only treating symptoms can lead the one with psychological scars to conclude that they would be better off dead. 

The life of Jill Kreshky in my novel, Baggage burdens. illustrates how even her husband’s best efforts to treat symptoms succeed to only create temporary happiness. His persistence in trying to make her happy and his continual forgiveness is not enough. Her feeling of unworthiness leaves her open to perceptions of an attack on her personality that throw her into deeper despair, despair that allows her to welcome death as an alternate to life. The last alternate comes twice in her life: once after her car accident and once after her own attempt to become happy fails. She too, was treating her symptoms. 

How do you solve the real problem––low-self-esteem? The answer comes in my companion novel, Helping Hands. It takes a friend and psychologist to reveal her inner strengths and loving nature. Only then can Jill see her worth and tackle the two causes of her poor self-esteem––an unforgiveable teen act and her father’s declaration that her rebellious nature makes her unworthy of love.

 “When you have done things a certain way for so long, change is not easy,” says Jill.

“I know, but I also know that you can change.”

“You’re just being nice, Bill.”

“I’d like to think I’m being more than nice. My confidence in your ability to change is based on facts and your genes.” Bill smiles as he sees Jill’s puzzled look. She isn’t into challenging him. She’s trying to understand him. 

“I think if you ask Daniel, he would say it is very hard to change something that you have believed in all your life. When you and Joseph separated, Daniel told me he had absolutely no doubt that you were the cause. You were so self-centered. Your son claimed you always were. And yet when you apologized to him, when you showed you were concerned for his feelings, he changed. Daniel saw change in you, and he changed. You both have the ability to get over long-held views. And that’s how I know you can get over the effect your father has on you. Does that help?”

Haiku capsule:

Take pain killing pills

Temporary solution

A symptom relief

Next Blog: 

A B U S E 

Obsession

OBSESSION 

An obsessive person can drive one crazy. At first one may be tempted to admire a person’s determination, but when that focus persists even when more important challenges arise one is often surprised or even frustrated. A more exasperating experience is when one is not aware of the goal being pursued. The person’s actions strike you as illogical, maybe even irritating. Relationships become strained.  This is the situation that Jill is in in my novel, Baggage burdens.

Jill’s goal is to be a better mother than her mother was. Her admirable goal becomes distorted. She must be the best parent in her own family. That means she must be a better mother than her husband is a father, a view to be held by all her children. Game on, except that Joseph doesn’t know that he is in a contest. He is content to be a good father, which he is. 

The problem? The children’s excitement over an activity done with their father spurs Jill to try harder to be even better, to win the children back to her side. During their holidays when Joseph and Jill are together they experience a loving relationship. The moment these parents are back in their homes Jill turns the atmosphere into a competitive one and drives a wedge between her and her husband.

For Jill, her success is one child away. Her eldest son finds he has more in common with his father. Jill’s actions to win his heart serves to frustrate both her son and her husband, particularly when Jill attempts to undercut Joseph’s love for his children. Yes, an obsessively driven person can play unfair.

In the scene below Jill and Joseph are returning from a wonderful holiday in Hawaii. Thoughts of returning to her children bring Jill back into a competitive frame of mind.

Absent-mindedly, Jill follows Joseph to board the plane. The long line crawls. 

No one wants to leave this beautiful place, she thinks. 

Joseph reminds her to take out her passport for the airline steward. “Missing the holiday already?” he asks, as they board the plane. 

Jill nods. 

“What did you like the best?”

After some thought, she says, “Everything. Absolutely everything.”

“Me too.”

Once the plane takes off, Jill returns to Joseph’s question—“What did you like the best?” The holiday highlights pass the time until they’re in the air. Jill glances at Joseph. He’s already asleep. 

Jill’s analysis returns. Why can’t I be as close to Daniel as Joseph is? She lists times she missed being out with Daniel and Joseph—the annual church father-son campouts brings regret. Church leaders said, “Too often the boys were valued farm labor. Fathers needed time to connect with their sons.” What about mothers?laments Jill. How are we supposed to build stronger connections with our sons? The first year, Joseph and Daniel went fishing. The campout was such a success that the father-son outings became an annual affair.

Jill had hoped that Joseph’s proposal for a skating rink for the family would bring them closer together. He always cleared the snow from the nearby pond and pumped water from beneath to flood the surface. The whole family bought skates. Benches were set out off to one side so they could rest and roast wieners. Many times Daniel helped his father shovel the snow off the rink. At first the family skated together. Then neighborhood boys heard about the rink. Many came to play hockey, even if they didn’t have skates. The following year, most of the boys brought skates. More and more, family skating gave way to hockey. The neighbors’ boys all came to their place even though other parents made rinks in their own yards. 

Probably Joseph’s pizzas, guesses Jill. He made and served them after the kids finished their game. Playing hockey at their place became a tradition. For Daniel, Joseph was his hero. Daniel’s popularity in the school grew.

Haiku capsule:

Competitive time

Contest to be best parent

Winning at all costs

Next Blog: 

Treating Symptoms 

Fighting Fire with Fire

Fighting Fire with Fire 

You’ve heard of fighting fire with fire, perhaps in the context of a forest fire, a good strategy. However, it is not a good strategy when applied to human relationships. Imagine or even worse remember where one driver cuts off a second driver. The horn blares from the second driver. The first driver sends a blast furious because he had to put up with a slow pace. A how-dare-you-complain response from the second driver sets up the conditions for road rage development. Fire feeds fire.

The best response to a hurry-up- horn blast that I’ve seen came from a female student driver. When stopped at the next set of lights she turned around, smiled and waved to the impatient driver. Then she looked forward and drove away when the traffic moved again. What a way of diffusing tension! Others who have signaled and cut in front of another driver have waved a presumed-permission thank you to cut off the expected horn blast. 

This is the lesson that a young teen-age girl in my novel, Baggage burdens. needed to learn, a lesson her mother knew well. 

Jill’s father’s frustrated roar breaks through. 

“He said he wouldn’t drink anymore!” Jill’s outburst erupts, as she fails to contain her fury. 

Her mother doesn’t respond. Righteous anger forces the seventeen-year old to her feet. She stands up to face her father. 

“He’d better go downstairs and call his AA buddy.” Jill summons her courage; then advances intent to demonstrate her conviction and redirect her father downstairs.

Alice scrambles after her angry daughter. “Jill, don’t.”

“Don’t what? That was the deal. He said if he ever comes home drunk again we could tell him he had to call his AA buddy. We could remind him of it. He agreed to that. Remember?” The volume of her voice rises.

Jill advances again toward the top of the stairs planning to meet her father before he reaches the top step. The smoke from the cigarette, which he tossed on the top of the stairs nips at her nostrils. ‘Step on it,’ flashes through her mind. Before she can act, her mother’s objection interrupts.

 “Yes, but . . .”  

Jill wheels around and faces her mother. “But what?”

Alice can’t find the words quickly enough to explain how Jill’s provocative voice could ignite an emotional explosion and possibly a violent confrontation. The frustrated growling from the porch announces an intoxicated struggle to get out of outside clothes. 

“Let me talk to him. Pleeease go to your room.” Alice’s pleading voice weakens Jill’s resolve.

Grumbling continues to bounce off the porch walls.

“Let me help you,” insists the indignant girl. “We have to stand up to him. We’re stronger together.”

“No. Please. Go to your room. Quickly.” Alice sees her desperate pleading reduce Jill’s determination. “Remember last time,” she adds.

Alice’s reference ignites the fear Jill hoped to permanently suppress. Three months earlier, overflowing with confidence from her year of weight training and the school’s women’s defensive course, Jill confronted her drunken father in the kitchen. She dared to challenge his behavior. Result: a neck jarring slap in the face. With pent up fury Jill delivered a similar action. 

Her father exploded. 

In Jill’s case letting a cooler head intervene serves to reduce the possibility of a violent confrontation. The female driver’s wave and smile cooled another heated response. A quick thank-you wave heads off an angry horn blast from the driver who was cut off. To prevent angry situations from getting out of hand, what action or words can you think of to head off escalating expressions of disapproval? Adopting a strategy, a head of time means it can be implemented immediately. Having to think of a cool-headed-response on the spot may take too long. Hasty reactions might result in an emotional explosion.

Haiku capsule:

volatile people 

prepare cool-headed response

water dousing fire

Next Blog: 

OBSESSION