PAST––Leave Me Alone

PAST

Leave Me Alone

Two words––“Dear” and “tapping”–– invite a reunion. The latent closeness in those words tugs at the heart. They're unsuccessful. Something happened in the past that makes returning impossible. A pain hurts so much. It overwhelms even recalling what was once pleasant.

This kind of dilemma faces Jill, the protagonist, in my novel, Baggage burdens. Fear and anger torments her. It overrides her desire to return home to her grandmother. It’s so overpowering that it follows Jill from one city to another, from one province to another, from one decade to another. Then Jill feels another tapping on her shoulder. It tests her to her utmost––her grandmother is ill. Now what? Return to Ontario, to her grandmother’s side or not?

Julie handed Bill a copy of an email she received from Kathy, Jill’s sister.

The message described Kathy’s perception of Josey as being very unhappy since Christmas. The staff at the senior facility made the same observation. Kathy’s explanation was that Josey has nothing to look forward to. If Josey knew that Jill was coming to see her, Josey’s whole outlook would change. Was there anything that Julie could do to get Jill to come down?

“The power of your father is greater than that of your grandmother,” says Bill.

“You don’t understand. I hate him. I don’t ever want to see him again. I don’t want to hear him attack me again.” Jill adjusts her position preparing to defend herself.

Bill’s relaxed posture doesn’t change, forcing Jill to calm down. “Exactly. Your hatred for your father is more powerful than your love for your grandmother.”

Jill's first impulse is to say, ‘what do you expect?’ Her gut response upsets her. She pauses. ‘Oh no. I hate! Hate! That’s like my father. Can’t be. I left, so I wouldn’t be like him.’

Rejecting her perceived insight she searches for a more plausible reaction to her father. Bill’s words, power of your father, nudge a disturbing conclusion.

‘I’m afraid of my father? How? Why?’

No sooner do the questions surface than the answer dawns on her. The almost forgotten memories send a damp tremor through her. The words, “I’m afraid,” spill out of her mouth.

“Afraid! Afraid of what?”

Jill is surprised to see Bill heard her. She thought she only mumbled. His attention on her is so focused that she knows she can’t brush away her comment.

“Afraid of my father. Ever since I ran away from home he’s haunted me. I’ve had nightmares. I kept hearing him challenge what I’ve done, telling me that I will fail, laughing at me. It’s like I can’t get away from him.”

The confession that tumbles from Jill’s lips surprises her. She has never thought about the deep male voice in her dreams as her father speaking. Her words leave little doubt about their validity. Not wanting to go to Ontario now makes sense. She is afraid his malevolent spirit will find her again. The torturous attacks will begin again.

haiku capsule:                 

shadows from the past

lurk, to snare forgetful ones

You have Hell to pay.

Next blog: DECISION:

Too Tough to Reconsider