Road to Reconciliation
“You’re wrong.”
Such a statement triggers one’s defense mechanisms. When a complainant’s narrative fails to convince you that you made a mistake, the possibility of reducing tensions is greatly reduced. The possibility of peace disappears. Expect strained relations or at least hurt feelings to continue.
The path to reconciliation begins with the first most important and hardest step––accept another’s version of reality. It is usually very hard because one is certain their own reality is correct. They made no mistake. They weren’t intentionally trying to degrade the other. Because of the difficulty in accepting a different view one may begin with the alternative view as being a possibility.
Where harmony is the foundational value, openness to other realities can be explored between nations, groups in a nation, members in a community or family. It is in this latter two contexts that the novels, Baggage burdens. and Helping Hands were written. In the first novel Jill experiences a closed mindedness while she is in a rural Orthodox church. The aggressive spirit of her and the church results in no peace. Jill’s son, Daniel, experiences the same chilling effect in his relationship with his mother. However, the value of family harmony gets a shot in the arm when Jill desires to spend more time with her grandchildren. In the novel, Helping Hands, Jill, with the help of Bill, a friend, is lead down the path of reconciliation.
STEP ONE
from
Helping Hands
“Daniel, there’s a noticeable tension between us. Eve’s noticed it. Bill’s noticed it. I’m sure you’re aware of it. I know I’m aware of it. And it’s starting to create problems. I’ve been trying to figure out what I’ve done to anger you. Now, I could be completely wrong about this, but I suspect your anger has been simmering for a long time. I’m wondering if it has anything, anything at all, to do with my desire to have you take homeschooling when you were little.”
Jill notices surprise on Daniel’s face.
“At the time, I wanted you to be home with Amber and me so we could be a close family. My mistake was not thinking about what you wanted. Your father had to straighten me out.” She pauses. The first sentence is all she intended to say. “More than once I want to apologize for thinking only of what I wanted. I’m sure you can probably think of more examples like that, but I want to tell you I plan to be more careful. Do you think you can even begin to forgive me?”
“You’re right. I’ve been seeing you as selfish for a long time. I often wanted to tell you that to your face, but Dad wouldn’t let me. You say you’re changing. I’ll have to learn to start seeing that. I don’t know how well I will do. My instinctive reaction is to suspect you don’t care about anyone except yourself. It’s become a habit. I can tell you that I’ll work on it, but I may not always see it.”
“Me too, Daniel. I’ll work on taking your feelings into consideration. My habit won’t be any easier to break.”
“As for forgiving you, I can say I will start. Forgiving you means I can accept you had good reasons for your actions. I don’t know what they are. And I don’t want to know, at least not right now. I’m afraid I may take them as excuses. All I can say is that for now, I will assume you had good reasons. Maybe, in time, I will be ready to hear and understand them. Is that fair?”
“Yes, Daniel. A start is all I ask.” Jill has an overwhelming urge to rush over and hug Daniel, but she sees no sign of him being willing to accept it. His squirming suggests uneasiness.
Haiku capsule:
Hear another truth.
Accept their certainty.
Conciliation.
Next Blog:
Little Things Matter
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