Unworthy
of Love
Love your neighbor as yourself.
(Matt. 22:39)
What
happens if you can’t love yourself? Sounds like the neighbors are in for
trouble. Well, maybe not trouble but certainly they wouldn’t be inclined to
hope for love from a person who can’t love her or him self.
Why
might a person be unworthy of love? Guilt
can play a major role in running a person’s self esteem into the ground. The
accompanying feeling is a person of
little value deserves little.
In my
novel, Baggage burdens. Jill, the protagonist, doesn’t see that she
is worthy of love. By unpacking her past the reader sees guilt playing a major
role in her self-concept. Her alcohol-loving father hammered home the idea that
Jill was a disobedient, disrespectful girl. While one might hope the father’s
view would be dismissed, the perception from Jill’s older sister, Kathy, isn’t
so easily overlooked. Also, Jill hearing her mother say she is uncontrollable
nails another reason why Jill deserves no love. Jill explains away her mother’s
negative comment. It was made in a moment of fear; fear Jill’s father would
continue hurting her mother. Realizing the she is the cause of her mother’s
pain creates another guilt nail for her dark self-image.
Imagine
you have runaway from home and just become homeless. A loving grandmother that
you haven’t seen in years lets you l live in her house, a house she normally
rents. No charge for you. Then, when your grandmother comes for a visit, you
move away. No warning, no explanation given. What do you think of such a girl?
How do you think she feels about herself?
As you
can see, Jill has many reasons not to feel good about whom she is. How can such
a person feel worthy of love? How can she love others? What a burden to have to
carry!
‘Mom
thinks I’m uncontrollable?! I don’t
listen?! I don’t believe it! I
thought she loved me. How can she say such things?’ Tears wash away the
betrayal. After a few moments, she adds, ‘that’s not like Mom.’ Jill searches
for an explanation.
The
recollection of her mother’s partially hidden bruises stimulates speculation.
‘Mom
didn’t fall last week. He hit her. It’s
my fault. That’s why she doesn’t like me anymore.’
Tears
return.
‘I’m the cause of Mom’s pain. No wonder
she doesn’t like me. Oh I wish Kathy were here.’
The
absence of Jill’s older sister, Kathy, leaves Jill feeling helpless.
‘There’s
no one in the house to turn to anymore. It’s an empty shell, a dangerous empty
shell.’
Drained,
she hangs her head and closes her eyes. Hopelessness crawls over her like a
cold wet blanket.
“What am I
going to do?” she whispers. ‘Be a coward
like Kathy. I can’t.’
Kathy’s
solution, run away, is packed with blame. For a long time Jill hated her sister
for deserting her and her mother.
‘If I
leave I’ll be as bad as Kathy. Who
will help Mom?’
 |
haiku capsule:
disobedient
disrespectful, deserter
wounding guilt labels
Next blog:
SELF-CONFIDENCE –
a Game Changer
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