LOVE––A Weakness

L o v e––A Weakness

By the time that Jill, in the novel, Baggage burdens., ran away from home, she believed love is an evil. Her parents taught her that. How? By their actions.

Alice, Jill’s mother, cooked and cleaned for Frank, her husband. She defended him even when he was in the wrong. What did she get in return? Being manhandled, some times violently. Forgiving him when he came home drunk did no good. A few days later he’d do it again.

What’s the use of loving someone?

Jill remembers

“He said he wouldn’t drink anymore!” Jill’s outburst erupts, as she fails to contain her fury. Her mother doesn’t respond. Righteous anger forces the seventeen year old to her feet to face her father.

“He’d better go downstairs and call his AA buddy.” Jill summons her courage; then advances, intent to demonstrate her conviction and redirect her father downstairs.

Alice scrambles after her angry daughter. “Jill, don’t.”

“Don’t what? That was the deal. He said if he ever comes home drunk again we could tell him he had to call his AA buddy. We could remind him of it. He agreed to that. Remember?” The volume of her voice rises.

“What do you think you’re doing?” 

“Trying to salvage Jill’s home work. What do you think?” Anger slips out of Alice before she realizes it.

“I’ll tell you what I think. I think you’re doing a poor job of raising that kid.” Frank shoves himself away from the wall, grabs Alice by her arms and shakes her. “How many times have I told you? Tell her to clean up when she’s finished.  How many times?”

Fear replaces Alice’s anger. Half crying, she answers, “I don’t know.”

“Too many times. That’s how many. Too many times.”

Gripped by fear Alice looks for a defense. “She doesn’t listen,” whines Alice, feeling overwhelmed. Pain pierces her arms. “I can’t control her.”

“Doesn’t listen,” shouts Frank.

“Yes,” she pleads in desperation, hoping he’ll release his grip, hoping she’ll escape.

Jill never said love is useless, but her actions did. She had internalized the belief that love is a weakness that should be avoided.

         

Moving in with Dave and Greg

“This would be no prelude to some kind of relationship thing?” asks Jill.

“Absolutely not,” lies Dave. ‘But if something does happen––’

Love and marriage not in Jill’s plans

“Jill, what would you say if you heard Ben was planning to buy you a ring?”

“An engagement ring?” Jill’s surprise catches Mary off guard.

“Well, you two have been going around together for a while, and having a good time.  Does it sound so strange that he might want to buy you a ring?”

“Mary, do you know something I don’t?” Anxiety overtakes Jill’s voice.

“Besides, if Ben waits too long you’re apt to accept a proposal from Joseph.”

“Mary?” Jill’s voice betrays a concern, but Mary ignores it.

Jill reviews her impression of what she characterizes as a casual relationship with Ben. She finds no hint of a marriage in their future.

‘Sounds like somebody is coaching Ben to act before he’s ready,’ she thinks.

“For all Ben knows, you could be just waiting for him to ask you to marry him.”

“Well, to answer your earlier question about the ring, you have to promise that what I’m about to tell you will be in confidence.”

“Ooooh of course,” assures Mary, holding up her hand as if to swear an oath.

“Okay then, my first reaction to a ring is that things are so good now, why would I want to change anything? I have my work, my freedom, and as you have said, I have had a lot of fun over this last little while. Life is good. I don’t need a change.” Jill’s emphatic position convinces Mary.

Jill haunted by the truth

“You phony.  Phony!  Phony!”  The deep male voice scratches Jill’s contentment like a cat’s claws raking her bare arm.  “Liar! Liar! Liar!” 

Jill cries out.  “Nooooooo.” 

“Can’t marry me until you know more about me hey?  When did Joseph gain that vital knowledge about you before he agreed to this marriage?”

“He thinks he knows enough,” whimpers Jill.

“And you know better. How dare you attempt to build a marriage without love? You know why you’re doing this? To hide from Dave.”

“Joseph loves me.”

“That means this marriage has only a 50 percent chance of success.”

“He’s happy.  What more do you want?”

“How about you choosing to make him happy just so he will be happy?”

from Joseph’s breakup letter

When you said you would marry me, I sensed it wasn’t for love. Then, I thought I was so lucky that you were willing to make a home with me. I hoped that my love for you would win you over. I was willing to sacrifice anything to make you happy. For the longest time I thought that you would eventually return my love. Recently it’s become painfully clear that no matter how much I do, you will only tolerate me, never mind love me.

haiku capsule:

                                                                            Love, a one-way street

                                                         mother’s mistake I won’t make

a loveless marriage

Next blog: RELATIONSHIPS, a key to a HAPPY life