Gender Conflict
Sometimes relationships
don’t click between two people because they are of opposite genders. It doesn’t
mean that those two people are antagonistic towards each other but there is a
discomfort.
A gender tension is most
clearly seen in Baggage
burdens. in Jill’s father. He couldn’t relate to his daughters.
Because of his poor personal relation skills, Jill learns not to trust men. Unwanted
sexual advances from her roommates, Dave and Greg, drive Jill to generalize. Distrust
all men. Years later her husband, her oldest son, and her close friend often are on
the receiving end of her negative perceptions.
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“Mom told me that, at heart Father had an inferiority
complex. It mostly disappeared when he became known as a wizard with engines.
That changed a few years after I was born. He doubted he was a good father,”
says Kathy, Jill’s sister.
Frank began comparing
himself with other fathers at work. The ones that caught his ear were men who
had sons, sons who were older and could horse around with their father in
various sports activities. In Frank's mind taking his daughter to church, out for
ice cream or to the show were non-events. Frank had nothing to share with his
fellow workers. Kathy didn’t play piano, dance or sing. He felt like he wasn’t
connecting with his children. He had nothing to brag about. Frank’s
inferiority complex kicked in. He concluded he was a poor father, like his
father.
Jill’s
frantic efforts result in Dave releasing his hold. She pulls away. Dave settles
back against the counter, his face bright red. A storm of embarrassment, anger
and fear engulfs Jill. She searches for a target to release her overflowing
energy.
“How
dare you?” explodes Jill glaring at a bewildered Dave.
With
the real target of her anger gone, Jill summons other reasons to vent her
frustrations at Dave. ‘My home away from home––gone.’ She stares at her
betrayer—
“You
bastard. You said this would be no prelude to some kind of relationship.”
Her
words have no effect on Dave. Jill realizes she’s been deceived. Her phony
friend leaning against the cupboard stole the only security she had. Thinking
of Greg, she decides, ‘I can’t stay here now. Who knows when another attack
will come?’
“You
liar!” Jill slaps Dave’s face so hard her hand burns. Jill recalls. ‘Like when
I hit my father.’ “You ruined everything,” she yells. With her other hand she
checks to make sure her jogging pants are all the way up. Then she dashes out
of the pantry
“I’m
sorry,” begins Daniel. “I know you’ve been trying to reach Dad, but he’s asked
me not reveal where you can find him. He told me he doesn’t want to talk to
you. I have to respect his wishes.”
The
best Jill is able to squeeze out of her son is that he will tell Joseph that
she called and really wants to meet with him. Jill’s disappointment is tempered
by the confirmation of her earlier conviction––men always stick together.
A
freezing chill rakes Jill’s whole body. ‘Now I’ll be alone, poor, over worked.’
Jill grabs the bedspread and drags it over her, as if she could hide from her
predicted future.
Bill’s
position returns. I don’t see much hope.
Anger swells. ‘After only one phone call Bill gives up! How could he? When
Joseph asked for his help, he called me several times. When I call, he makes
only one phone call. You believe Joseph just like that? Why is his request more
important than mine?’
Betrayal
grips Jill. Then she remembers Joseph’s statement––Bill understands how I feel.
‘So Joseph is justified in leaving me. Really!
Men! They always stick together.’
Jill distrusting her
father is understandable given his treatment of her. By Jill stretching her
suspicion to most men she is like a male driver stuck behind a slow moving
female driver, who comments, “Women drivers.”
What does it take to bring
about a change in attitude? How can Jill see men as individual people to be
judged on their own merits? What would it take for Jill’s father to appreciate
his young daughters? Can her changes toward her father and her son work in real
life?
haiku capsule:
a failing parent
scarce
father-daughter play time
Gender issues brew.
Next blog: PLAY isn’t EVERYTHING
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