Baggage Outweighs Reason
Have you ever had to communicate a very important message
(stop smoking or watch your language, or appropriate dress)? To make certain
that your idea is understood logical steps are developed to arrive at a
particular insight. The intended recipient understands each step of the
presentation and agrees with conclusion. ‘Success!’ you think. A day or so
later you discover the imparted wisdom has had no effect on behavior.
What gives! When an action
defies reason one may attempt to guess the recipient’s motivation. Could their
action be a rebellion? Were they forgetful or weak willed? Was the presentation
flawed? Is there a higher value?
What would be your
reaction? To a certain extent your response would depend upon whether you see
the recipient as naturally good or naturally bad. In the example below in my
novel, Baggage burdens., Bill is explaining
why Jill shouldn’t feel indebted to those who help her.
“Having
people do something extra for me, is kind of like doing me favors.”
“Something
wrong with accepting favors?
“Yes.
I once read an unreturned favor is like an unpaid debt. With everybody visiting me
in the hospital and covering for me while I’m stuck here, it feels like I have
a ton of debts. In a way it’s like I’m running a deficit budget. I’ll never be
able to return the favors.”
“Have
you thought of favors as being gifts?”
“Same
thing.”
Jill’s
quick response silences Bill for a while. His eyes narrow and he looks down.
“Hmmm.”
Jill’s
curiosity spurs her. “What?”
Bill
studies her face, trying to determine if she really wants to know what he has in
mind.
“You
love your children dearly. Right?”
“Yes.”
“And
you love to do anything for them to make them happy?”
“Yes.”
“I
expect that you haven’t been keeping a tally to figure out how much they owe
you?”
“Of
course not. They’re family.”
“I
see,” says Bill dragging out his response as if he is carefully considering her
answer.
“Immediate
family?”
“Yes.”
“And
what about favors from an extended family? Do you keep tabs on the number of
favors or gifts they give you?” Jill’s puzzled look prompts Bill to add, “Would
Julie still be considered family?”
“Yes.”
“So
you don’t keep track of how many favors she’s done for you either?”
“No.”
“Now,
what about close friends?”
Jill’s
eyes squint as she tries to figure out where Bill is going with his last
question.
“Thomas
and Rebecca?” offers Bill. “Or are they part of the extended family,
because they’re your children’s godparents?”
Jill
thinks of the good deeds she’s received at the hands of Rebecca. How many, she
doesn’t know, but she does feel in Rebecca’s debt. Never has Rebecca indicated
she keeps count. Thinking of Rebecca’s latest offer of help, Jill answers.
“None
of us keep records. Things are done to make the other happy.”
“Precisely!
You do favors as gifts because you care an awful lot for each other.
“Yes.”
“So
maybe you should reconsider being worried about all the favors people are doing
for you while you’re in the hospital. Perhaps you can see them as expressions
of love for you, as signs that they think you’re a wonderful person.”
“I
think you’re pushing it now.”
“Pushing
what?”
“I’m
a wonderful person.”
“Ask
them. You might enjoy their answers.”
“I
think I’ll pass on that.”
“Well,
at least consider not worrying about repaying favors.”
“Okay.
I’ll give that some thought.”
Jill’s
daughter confronts Jill about Jill taking a cab home from the hospital
instead of taking a ride from Bill.
 |
“Bill helped us in so many ways. How
could you? How could you ditch him?”
“For
that very reason,” Jill fires back confident she is about to gain the upper
hand. “He’s done so much for us. I’ll never be able to repay him. The worse
thing I can do is add to that debt.”
Was
Bill convincing? He thought so. When it was time for Jill to leave the hospital,
her family was unavailable. Bill offered to give her a ride. Jill didn’t
accept.
What kind of a person do you think Jill
sees her as?
What kind of person do you think Bill sees
Jill as?
haiku capsule
desire to be sure
step
by step explanation
a wasted effort
Next blog: Unappreciated Woman
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