Showing Fear

Showing Fear

Show fear? No way. Do you think I want to show someone that they can have complete control over me?

You could say these are understandable reactions from one who values freedom and independence. Therefore, no sign of shaking, cringing, crying, widen open horror-eyes, furtive glances around. All of these a strong-minded character would avoid. So, how is intense fear shown in a strong-willed character?

In my novel, Baggage burdens. the protagonist’s psychological fear is shown in the trade offs she makes. When reading about Jill’s love for Josey, her grandmother; reading about the place in which Jill is living in Brampton, reading about her participation in the Brick Theatre, and her dreams for the future, decide whether Jill attaches a great deal of importance to each of these elements in her life or just a passing interest. If you conclude that the some or many of these aspects of her life are really good, does it seem reasonable that she would give them up instead of facing a frightening event in her past? True, you don’t know the terrifying past event. In Jill’s mind it is not clear either. The potential harm drives her to runaway from what she likes. Whether it is reasonable or not is irrelevant. All that needs to be understood is that one’s imagination can amplify a possible threat so it is too great to ignore. The gravity of that threat is shown by what Jill chooses to give up.

“I just need a place to stay and a good job,” says Jill.

“Yes, that’s one of the main reasons for us coming together.” Josey reinforces Jill’s concern as hers too. “Let me begin by saying that I am presently living with an eighty-two year old room mate, a good friend. She and I have been living together for several years now, taking care of each other you might say.” 

Jill’s eyes betray her disappointment. 

“But I might have a solution that you can handle.  There are some conditions.”

Jill leans forward in anticipation. 

“I have an old three bedroom house in Brampton. It’s fairly private.”

At the sound of private Jill’s enthusiasm leaps. 

“It sits on a small acreage, actually more like a park. George, your grandfather, and I retired there. When he died, I had to move to a condo. I haven’t been able to push myself to sell it, so I rent it out. Anyway last month’s tenant didn’t renew so it’s available. Of course that would mean that you’d have to cut the grass and keep the place up.”

“Sounds perfect,” says Jill. “But I don’t have a job so I couldn’t pay the rent or utilities.”

“No problem. You’ll just be a house sitter. I need someone there to occupy the property; insurance company requirements. And if you take care of it, that’ll be perfect.”

“But you could rent it out. You’ll be losing income.”

“Listen, George left me enough money to live on until at least one hundred and twenty, so don’t worry about that. Besides, I missed the opportunity of being your grandmother for so long. This is my chance to start making it up to you. By accepting, you’ll be doing me a favor.”

“This sounds too good to be true. It’s like sleeping in and drawing back the drapes and finding a bright sunny day.” Jill resists the urge to jump up and down for joy. Sliding to the edge of her chair, she asks, “When can I move in?”

“I do have one other requirement,” adds Mrs. Sommerveld hesitantly. “I hope you don’t feel like I should be minding my own business, but I think it is very important.” She waits for Jill’s reaction.

“Sounds serious. What is it?”

“I am concerned about your education.”

“I doubt there’s anything we can do about that. And if I’m going to Brampton, I’ll just have to repeat.”

“Maybe not. I would like your permission to look into it. I have a few contacts. They might be able to arrange something.”

By early August Jill is thankful for Josey’s rescuing deeds. They far exceed her wildest hopes. For the last five weeks Jill had worked hard on her English course, which her grandmother had arranged by enrolling her in a summer school course in Brampton. Exams are finished. She aced that course. In celebration of her success she claims the upper veranda deck at her grandmother’s red brick house in Brampton for her private sun-tanning haven. Singing wind chimes that hang from the soffit at the end of the deck sooth her spirit.

 “Ah-h-h, heaven! I could stay here forever,” revels Jill reminiscing about her summer. Hearing her words of joy, urges Jill to praise her grandmother next time she visits.

‘Gram, you’re so wonderful. I thought my high school courses were lost. I don’t know how you did it, but I’m sure thankful you convinced my history and drama teachers to let me hand in my last three assignments. It was a lot of work to do in two weeks. I really couldn’t of handled any more. Now I’m free until September. It feels so good.’ 

Returning to her holiday spirit, Jill sinks her head into the soft lounger cushion. Her eyes close. She absorbs the sun’s rays, deepening the tan on her legs, arms and stomach. ‘Enjoy this, while I can.’

At two o’clock she plans to leave for the Brick Theatre, home of the Creative Arts Society of Brampton.

 ‘I moved here at just the right time. What a blessing!’

Had Jill known of their need earlier, she’d have volunteered. Working in a theatre was a dream she gave up on when she ran away from home. ‘Now I have spending money too.’ The part time job required she work four hours a day, four days a week.

The people at the theatre had enthusiastically welcomed Jill. They even drafted her to play a small part in the production. Besides sewing costumes and painting scenes, the set designers eagerly accepted her input on stage settings. Hearing how sound effects enriched the performance amazed Jill. 

‘In September I’m definitely going to join the society. Then I can take their fall play production course. No charge.’

Doesn’t this sound like the perfect place for Jill to live?

Jill ran away from this place!

haiku capsule:                 

sanctuary found

a grandmother’s loving care

the high price of fear

Next blog: Stupid is