Stupid is

      Stupid ?

Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is said to be stupid. One does not learn from past mistakes. Not withstanding the common sense conclusion, I would submit there may be another reason for repeating the same action over and over again––fear. Powerful emotions override reason, override the prospect of searching for a different action.

In my novel, Baggage burdens. the protagonist is haunted by the physical mistreatment at the hands of her alcoholic father and a misdeed of her own. When reality presented her with a threat, she adopted the strategy that once offered her temporary relief––flee the threat. It doesn’t matter that she knew her strategy was questionable.

Fearing her father’s alcohol fueled rages, Jill ran away from home. At the time her action was an emotional reaction. She knew choice was not thought out. Where would she live, get her food? How would she earn a living? What would happen to her education? Her future was in the hands of lady luck. Running from trouble, not a wise action.

Hearing her former boy friend was coming to see her, Jill chose to runaway before he arrived instead of facing him and explaining that she wanted nothing more to do with him. He wasn’t violent. She could have asserted herself. Instead she chose an action that saved her from her father’s abusive behavior. She ran away. Wise? It cost her the company of her loving grandmother, a house with no rent, good friends, a part time job and the opportunity to pursue her passion––drama. Reason might indicate she’s giving up too much. A better action must be possible. Jill was not stupid. Emotion overruled the unwise choice of the past.

Once again Jill suspects her former boyfriend is about to find her. Once again she chooses to runaway. She gives up the company of a dear friend, a job she excels at, and marries Joseph, a boy she doesn’t love, just so that she can’t be found. Her repeated action has nothing to do with wisdom.

The very high value of not being found by someone in her past spawns fear. Fear prevents her from rationally examining alternative actions to deal with her perceived problem. She is not stupid. She is instead blinded by fear.

Jill’s nightmare delivers the truth that Jill refuses to acknowledge in her fear-filled conscious state.

Jill’s body sinks into the comfort of the chesterfield. She dozes. An hour slips by like it’s five minutes. In her sleep she kicks out and knocks the silverware box to the floor. The crash jars Jill. After determining what the noise was all about, Jill gives in to the chesterfield’s comfort and warmth. Her rest is a short-lived pleasure. 

“You phony.  Phony!  Phony!”  The deep male voice scratches Jill’s contentment like a cat’s claws raking her bare arm.  “Liar! Liar! Liar!” 

Jill cries out.  “Nooooooo.” 

“Can’t marry me until you know more about me hey?  When did Joseph gain that vital knowledge about you before he agreed to this marriage?”

“He thinks he knows enough,” whimpers Jill.

“And you know better. How dare you attempt to build a marriage without love? You know why you’re doing this? To hide from Dave.”

“Joseph loves me.”

“That means this marriage has only a 50 percent chance of success.”

“He’s happy.  What more do you want?”

“How about you choosing to make him happy?”

“I am making him happy. I agreed to a church wedding.”

“Good compromise, but does that mean you’ll be listening to God like he does?’

“Enough already!  Get out of my head.”

“Know this. Your marriage will tarnish like the silver you plan to polish.”

“Out!  Out!  Out!”  Jill’s shouting jerks her out of her rest.  She bolts into a sitting position. The back of her neck aches. She’s covered with perspiration.  Looking at the spilled silverware on the floor she half reaches out to pick it up. Then she pulls her hands away from the black stained objects, as if to avoid burning her fingers from hot charcoals.

Jill stumbles to the shower mumbling. “I hate that evil voice. I’ll prove it wrong. I’ll make Joseph happy. I will.

haiku capsule:                 

repeated mistakes

fear clouded thought, seems stupid

lost ability

Next blog: When There’s No Hope