Seeds Breeding Distrust

Seeds 

Breeding Distrust

Jill has trust issues.

 “You were starting to say something about your father. Then you did a deep dive. Into your past, I imagine. I’ve been watching you try to work things out. Anything to share?’

Jill decides to keep her thoughts to herself. She guesses Bill may already know Daniel and Joseph’s feelings, but she is not about to confirm them. That part of her history she intends to control. Trusting others can only lead to compromising her strength. Bill’s words, trust me, poke her like finger of guilt.

An uncomfortable feeling seizes Jill. It’s a feeling she experienced when she charged outside of Dave and Greg’s house, a feeling when she hid in the closet at home after hearing her intoxicated father in the living room shouting for her to come out. 

‘Men are dangerous. Don’t trust men.’

I don’t know.” Reluctant to follow Bill’s idea Jill shakes her head slightly.

“It’s worth a try. Trust me.” Seeing Jill’s silence, Bill asks again, “You do trust me?”

Bill’s question opens a wound that Jill tries to ignore. ‘My friend, the one I met in Chicago, the one I trusted, the one who sided with Joseph when Joseph said he wanted to divorce me.’

      In the novel, Baggage burdens., if Bill had suggested to Jill that she needs to work on trusting others, Jill would have respond, “I can’t.”

SEEDS of Jill’s Distrust

What she couldn’t tell Bill is that her father was a liar. He couldn’t be trusted to keep his word. His failure meant pain and fear for Jill.

Jill confronted her drunken father in the kitchen. She dared to challenge his behavior. Result: a neck jarring slap in the face. With pent up fury Jill delivered a similar action.

Her father exploded.

Jill deflected his first swing. More swiftly followed. His first direct hit landed Jill on the floor. Her single opportunity to escape resulted in him grabbing her hair and yanking her back. Sitting on her, he slapped her left and right again and again until Alice struck his head with a cast iron frying pan. 

Police were called again. Warnings were issued. Promises were made. Three weeks passed before Jill’s bruises disappeared, and she could face her classmates.

 “He said he wouldn’t drink anymore!” Jill’s outburst erupts, as she fails to contain her fury. Her mother doesn’t respond. Righteous anger forces the seventeen year old to her feet to face her father.

 “He’d better go downstairs and call his AA buddy.” Jill summons her courage; then advances, intent to demonstrate her conviction and redirect her father downstairs.

Alice scrambles after her angry daughter. “Jill, don’t.”

“Don’t what? That was the deal. He said if he ever comes home drunk again we could tell him he had to call his AA buddy. We could remind him of it. He agreed to that. Remember?” The volume of her voice rises.

Jill advances again toward the top of the stairs planning to meet her father before he reaches the top step. The smoke from the cigarette, which he tossed on the top of the stairs nips at her nostrils. ‘Step on it,’ flashes through her mind. Before she can act, her mother’s objection interrupts.

Jill couldn’t even trust her mother to hold her father to the promises he made.

Dave settles back against the counter, his face bright red. A storm of embarrassment, anger and fear engulfs Jill. She searches for a target to release her overflowing energy.

“How dare you?” explodes Jill glaring at a bewildered Dave.

With the real target of her anger gone, Jill summons other reasons to vent her frustrations at Dave. ‘My home away from home––gone.’ She stares at her betrayer— “You bastard. You said me living here would be no prelude to some kind of relationship.” Her words have no effect on Dave. Jill realizes she’s been deceived. Her phony friend leaning against the cupboard stole the only security she had.

A friend who said all he wanted to do was help her turns out to be a liar too.

Given Jill’s childhood experiences how could she trust anyone?  Without knowing Jill’s past, Bill tries to help Jill learn to trust people. Mission impossible?

Canadian Thistle   infestation

 haiku capsule:

                                                                                 her father’s beatings

                                                              her mother’s help lost in fear: 

    teen years––choking weeds

next blog: Why

I MUST Tell Jill’s Story

Control Your Spending

Watch Your Spending

Control your spending. Easier said than done you might say. However, in the excerpt below Frank in the novel, Baggage burdens., has no trouble expressing that value. His outburst suggests that controlling spending is a high value. Two other factors serve to reinforce Frank’s position. Result: for Jill the value is deeply imbedded.

Jill’s father takes a deep breath. “What the hell is this?” he demands pointing to the page titled Graduation Gowns.

“It’s nothing,” pleads Alice. 

“You’re damn right it’s nothing. We’re not going to waste any money on any foolish dress she’s only going to wear once.”

When Alice looks into her husband’s face, he blurts out, “You’re not going to buy anything like that. We can’t afford it. Do you hear me?” 

“Yes, yes,” Alice answers.

To take the edge off Frank’s anger Alice says, “Jill’s looking to see how much she has to save so she could buy the dress for herself next year”

Their spending behavior was a lived value. Before Frank said anything Alice and Jill were already looking at graduation dresses at least a year before it was desired. Jill knew it was an extra ordinary purchase, something she had to save up for.

Careful spending was a family value. They all shared the same belief.

When Jill no longer lives at home, she is just as conscious about frivolous spending. This shows up particularly when it comes to purchasing a wedding gown.

Jill and Joseph’s wedding

Mary adds, “Jill, we have to get you a dress.”

Without thinking, an alternative slips out of Jill’s mouth. “Maybe we should just elope.”

“Don’t be silly. This is one of the most important events in your life.” Mary’s strong declaration washes away the hasty alternative.

Jill wrestles with purchasing a gown. It rekindles the graduation gown dream. She recalls her father’s challenging words. “Waste of money! Something only worn once!” 

‘It’s bound to be expensive.’ Jill is ready to toss out the gown idea. Her proclamation meets a unison objection from Joseph and Mary.

Jill and Bill’s wedding

 “If I understand Kathy correctly, she wants to take you shopping for a new dress for your wedding. She means for it to be her present for you.”

“I haven’t heard anything about it. When was she hoping to do this?”

“This Saturday.”

Relief sweeps over Jill. Shopping for a new dress for a one-time event is something Jill hopes to avoid.

“We’ll still be gone. I can wear what I did when we went out with the Martonis.”

haiku capsule

                                                                            celebration gown

                                                         an occasional purchase

challenging expense

Next blog: Seeds Breeding Distrust

Trying to be a Best Friend

Trying to be a Best Friend

Being a best friend can be like walking into quicksand.

Best friend. That’s all Julie in Baggage burdens. wanted to be. How was she to know that Jill’s needs would overwhelm her?

On the way to pick up her children from school Jill is in a car accident and is taken to the hospital. She’s divorced. She has no one to turn to accept Julie. As the paramedic makes the call, Jill thinks,

‘Then Julie can take my children to her place until I can get out of here. Thank God I have Julie. If it wasn’t for her, I don’t know what I would do.  She’s such a life saver.’

Julie soon learns she’s taken on more than she can handle. She has two children of her own, a part time job, and a husband who works as a welder in Fort McMurray for weeks at a time. Anticipating a challenge, Julie takes two of Jill’s three children. The oldest, Amber, is farmed out to Amber’s older married brother. Reluctantly she faces her situation. Julie asks Bill, a friend of Jill’s family, for help.

Gathering her courage she says, “I hate to be an imposition, but I feel guilty about not taking Sarah and Matt to the hospital. You’ve been so helpful, taking the children to the hospital to visit their Mom, and letting Amber drive to Daniel’s. But do you think you could do me a favor too?”

“If I can.”

“Some evening can you babysit John Ryan and Jeff? I want to take the children to see their mother,” explains Julie. “My regular babysitter is ill, and Scott won’t be home for another two weeks.” Julie breathes a sign of relief. She’s admitted she’s struggling to care for Matt and Sarah.

Some it times means being a target of hurtful words and actions.

Julie returned from Ontario after visiting with her husband’s family.  She also visited Jill’s grandmother, Josey. Julie told Jill that the staff at Josey’s seniors’ home said that arthritis was seriously affecting the 97-year-old grandmother. Once again Julie asks,

Are you sure you can’t come down to see her?”

“Now? Yes, I’m sure. Maybe next year, during the summer.”

“I’ll tell her that when next––.”

“I said maybe.” Jill cuts in loud and firmly. She regrets her sharp tone. Jill explains returning to Oshawa is something she never considered. “Given Josey’s situation it is now possible.”

“It’s not about the money is it? Because if it is, Josey said she’d pay for everything.”

“No,” lies Jill. “I told you I have to be here for my children. And I have a job to return to.” After Jill states her excuses she becomes suspicious. ‘Why would Josey be concerned about my financial situation anyway?’ Jill says, “What did you tell Josey about me?”

“She knows about your accident. And I told her that you were recovering. Remember? I saw you before I left.”

‘That doesn’t have anything to do with financial troubles.’ Jill sees Julie fidgeting. “Is that all?” Jill leans forward intent on finding out what else Julie is hiding.

“You know you were in a coma for several weeks,” pleads Julie. “I had to tell Josey that. If I didn’t, she would never have forgiven me. And telling her you were conscious was good news. She needed to hear that.”

Still working at the notion that Josey thought Jill has financial concerns Jill challenges Julie. “What else did you report? You didn’t tell her I was divorced, did you?”

Leaning back as if to avoid being hit, Julie answers. “Yes. I did.”

“You didn’t!” Jill instantly blurts out.

She looks down ashamed. Her shortcomings are exposed to the most respected person in her life.

“I didn’t have much choice Jill. When you quit eating and I saw those pills on your night table––I really didn’t know what to think. I needed help. I didn’t want to turn to the pastor. If that came out in the church –– I had to talk to someone.”

“I can’t believe it.” Jill’s words bounce off the floor.

“Josey told me if things didn’t turn around soon she would come down to see you. The only reason she didn’t come immediately is because she knew how highly you value your privacy and your need to solve your problems. For a whole week I had to keep her posted. Daily. When she was satisfied that you were on the mend, she said to call her only if I had any new concerns.”

“How long have you been spying on me?” Jill refuses to look at her cousin.

“Jill! That’ not fair! We’re not your enemies. We both love you. We just want to be there for––”

“How long?” Jill’s demand clearly states she only wants to hear one more thing. Silence follows until Jill’s eyes target Julie’s forehead. “How long?”

Because Jill’s perceived she'd been betrayed, she only called Julie when she needed her. Her private thoughts and feelings she kept to herself. Jill ended their fitness workouts too.

Being a best friend can be trying.

           

   haiku capsule:

                                                                            helping troubled friend

                                                          means endless time commitment

expect exhaustion 

Next blog: Control your spending

Loving the Unlovable

Loving the Unlovable

Can a woman ever love a husband who manhandles her? Can she love him if he beats up on her children? Most likely the answer is no. The reader of Baggage burdens. would expect Alice to say her husband is a monster.

In my novel Frank Rezley’s daughter, Jill, saw her father as a monster. Josey, Jill’s grandmother, would concur.  Josey failed to understand, how Jill’s mother, Alice, could put up with Frank’s drinking behaviors. Yet Alice would likely counter Jill’s and Josey’s snap assessment is like judging a book by its cover.

Jill’s perception of her father is prominent throughout the book. That image isn’t countered until Kathy, Jill’s sister who once shared the same perception of her father, provides Alice’s understanding of Frank. Kathy says:

“Mom told me that at heart Father had an inferiority complex. It mostly disappeared when he became known as a wizard with engines. That changed a few years after I was born. He doubted he was a good father.”

Frank began comparing himself with other fathers at work. The ones that caught his ear were men who had sons, sons who were older and could horse around with their father in various sports activities. In Frank’s mind taking his daughter to church, out for ice cream or to the show were non-events. Frank had nothing to share with his working friends. Kathy didn’t play piano, dance or sing. He felt like he wasn’t connecting with his children, he couldn’t relate to them. He had nothing to brag about. His inferiority complex kicked in. He concluded he was an inadequate father. Then Josey predicted he’d be a poor father. He thought she already knew he was a failing father. He reacted by swearing he would be a good father, and he meant it.

Frank had adopted his father’s concept of a good father­–– A husband must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect. (1 Timothy 3:4, 5) It was one he felt certain he could meet. Be a good provider. There’d always be food and clothing. He’d pay for his children’s education and raise them to be obedient. When Kathy or Jill didn’t live up to his expectations, Frank became frustrated. Like his father, Frank resorted to punishment, to fear. To impress the men at work he became a fun-loving party animal, but his inebriated behavior prevented him from developing close relationships with his daughters. After a while Frank’s drinking became a habit, a habit that lead to ugly behavior.

Frank argued that the money he spent on drinking had no effect on the budget for the family. On normal days Frank returned home for dinner and talked to his daughters about their interests and their friends. Then one day his fragile father self image took a hit.

“Remember the first school play you asked us all to attend?”

Jill nods.

“Well Father encouraged many of his friends at work to come. He said you were in the play. He failed to realize that you worked in the play. You were a set designer. His friends later asked which character you were. He had to admit he was wrong. You weren’t an actor. He felt so embarrassed. Mom said it took a long time after that before he asked about your school involvements. Later she learned he’d been teased about how little he knew about his children.”

“So, you’re saying Mom felt sorry for Father?”

“More than that. I think she tried to get him to overlook the mistakes, to see that he was a good father. She pointed out that we were hard working like he was. We had high marks at school. We were well dressed, respectful, orderly. I think she tried to build up his image of a good father in ways that he would appreciate. Mom said that is what you do for the people you love.”

haiku capsule

                                                                            drinking misconduct

                                                         a foul fruit from childhood roots

judgment set aside?

Next blog: Demands of Being a Friend