Blind Men

Blind Men

The story of three blind men holds an important point about the significance of perspective. The blind men went out for a walk. They came up to an unexpected object. Using their sense of feel to discover the nature of their obstruction, they came up with three different impressions. The first man described the obstruction as undoubtedly very large, leathery with a few wrinkles. He thought there was no easy way around it. The second man agreed in part with his friend. The object was indeed large and leathery, but it seemed to be placed on a very large stump like cylinder. However, it was too heavy to lift or push aside. The third man wondered if they were talking about the same object. To him the thing blocking them, while leathery and wrinkly was very flexible. It was round like a person’s arm, and it moved around easily on its own. Going around it was possible.

Backing a couple of steps from the stumbling block, they sat down to consider the facts. Each insisted that their information was accurate and so they were. Each argued that the others were wrong in what they thought they encountered. Finally the third man convinced his friends to join him on exploring again the mysterious object. When they stepped forward together again, they discovered the object was no longer there. Unknown to them the elephant had moved.

What they bumped into was too massive for them to signally comprehend. They each had part of the picture. However, even together they didn’t have all the facts. I submit so it is with people’s expressions of the god that they worship. There is a confidence in the areas that they have studied. Disbelief and sometimes fear accompanies descriptions that differ from that own learning.

From that perspective the author of Baggage burdens. leads Jill, the protagonist, through several different Christian responses to the Bible’s message. Jill’s father and mother each had different approaches to their understanding of how to live a Christian life. Jill accepted neither. While Jill appreciated the help that she received from the Christian hands of Mrs. Maxwell when Jill was homeless and later from her Christian friends, Mary and Ann, Jill’s belief system remained unaltered. The creator god was an impersonal god who had strange followers like people in a rural conservative church near her country home. Equally puzzling was a widower friend who believed in a personal caring god.

What is to be made of this? While one can sit and argue who is right or whose concept is best like the three blind men, from my perspective there is another approach. Acknowledge differences, and look to the future for corroborating clarification or revelation. We are given to each other to be a source of help not frustration.

Meet Jill’s Friends

Silence shouts at Jill. She realizes she asked to stay the night, but her stay could be longer. ‘Mrs. Maxwell won’t accept me. She’s searching for an alternative place for me to sleep. Could Robin be home yet?’ 

“Jill.”

‘She’s going to turn me out now.’ Jill hears the tea pouring into the cups. 

“Jill.” Mrs. Maxwell waits until Jill looks at her. 

Tears blur Jill’s vision.

“I want to thank you for showing that you thought you could trust me. I’m sure this wasn’t easy.” She pauses for a few seconds. 

Jill wraps her hands around the teacup, absorbing its heat. 

“I have to tell you there isn’t very much I can do for you.” Mrs. Maxwell pauses.

‘Oh no, no.’ Jill can’t believe that she will be asked to leave when she finishes her tea. She shivers.

“If you don’t mind, I can bring you a pillow and a blanket and let you sleep in the parlor tonight. The couch isn’t very comfortable, but at least it’s warm.”

Jill smiles. As Mrs. Maxwell continues, Jill sips her tea. 

 “For a longer term solution I would like to refer you to Mrs. Robertson. She helps manage the Home-Away-From-Home project. Have you heard of that before?” Reading Jill’s furrowed brow, Mrs. Maxwell elaborates. “Protestant churches in the area fund a couple of houses to provide shelter, some food, and counseling for young people who have serious problems. I expect Mrs. Robertson will be in church later this morning. I’d like to talk to her about your situation. I know she’ll do everything she can for you. She’s done this kind of work for several years. Will you let me talk to her? See if she can help?”

After the pastor moves on to other families entering the church, Jill thinks, ‘He knows so much about me. I’m not even a member of the church.’

Joseph and Jill sit with Ann, Pete, Scott and Julie. Ann slides close to Jill and hugs her. Pete extends a welcoming hand to Joseph. To avoid any conversation about how she’s doing Jill starts reading the church bulletin. Two separate taps on her shoulder come from behind. Ellen and her friend, Ada, welcome Jill. “We’d met her at Ann’s place a few times,” Jill whispers to Joseph. After the service before Jill can head for the vehicle, Gloria Brewster, the Sunday school superintendent, calls out. She too, greets Jill with a hug and questions about how she is doing. Ruth, the pastor’s wife, welcomes Jill. Before Jill knows it, several ladies in the foyer surround her. All express their sympathy and support.

Seeing Jill happily preoccupied, Joseph distracts his children by pointing to the juice and cookies. He takes Matthew in his arms and joins Scott and Julie.

Scott points to Jill. “So many people. You’d think she was a long time member here.”

“Yeh,” says Joseph smiling.

 “I’m surprised so many people have come to talk to Jill,” says Julie.

“I’m not,” says Joseph. “You see, last week before Jill suggested we come here, I called Anne. I told her I was worried about Jill. I thought Jill was merely going through the motions of her work at home. There was no sense of joy or energy. I hoped Ann might be able to help. Ann said, Leave it to me. I think I know how to raise Jill’s spirits.”

“And?” asks Julie.

“See for yourself. I’ll bet as soon as Ann heard that Jill was coming to church she called some women and told them the good news.”

Jill remembers Joseph paraphrasing a sermon he once heard. “We’re called to protect each other’s good name.”

Jill had fired back. “What good name?”

“Fred loves Gertrude. Her children love her. And she does several works of charity. She has a love for the poor.”

“But she belittles me so often.”

“A blind spot, a human frailty. It’s evidence she doesn’t have the capability to see how you can be loving in a different way.” Joseph rebutted. “Because of her weakness she needs our defense, our protecting her good name.”

“Something wrong?” asks Bill.

“I don’t think I can do it,” Jill confesses. “Whatever I come up with sounds like I’m making excuses. That’ll never work.”

“The fact that you can recognize what doesn’t work proves you will come up with the right words. And if you don’t, don’t worry. No one is perfect. You can do it. I’m sure of it. Trust me.”

“I don’t know.”

“Jill, you really have to work on that trust. Believe me when I say I know you can do it.”

“But I don’t want to blow it.”

“Do you want help?”

“You can’t tell me what to say. It has to come from me.”

“You’re right, but I know how I can help you come up with the right words.”

“How?”

“Pray.”

“Pray?”

“Yes. Pray. I’ll ask God to lead you in your talk with your son.”

“I don’t know.”

“You sound like Moses when he said to the Lord that he didn’t have the ability to speak to pharaoh. Remember. God gave him the ability he needed.”

“That’s in the Bible. That’s a long time ago.”

“You don’t think it happens today?”

“Not to my knowledge. I’ve never heard anyone claim that God inspired them to say anything of value.”

“Then hear it now. Many times in talking with clients at the Wellness Center and even when I was the personnel manager I’ve said things I never thought of. Some times I said things in ways I wouldn’t have imagined. I’ve given thanks to the Lord for opening my eyes, or rather opening my mouth at the right time and saying the right things. Believe me, it pays to ask for the Lord’s guidance in uncertain times.”

Bill speaks with such confidence that Jill refrains from challenging him. Her doubts continue to plague her to the point of considering giving up on the idea of talking to Daniel. Jill remains silent.

Bill asks, “Would you like me to pray with you, to ask for the Lord’s leading on this healing venture?”

Jill nods.

             haiku capsule:                 

 an interruption     

partial descriptions confuse

together headway

Next blog:  Nothing is Free.

Change Agent

  Change Agent

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Wow! What a change agent! That’s the impression I received after reading this message: “A true friend will never try to change you, but you will change for a true friend.”

What kind of person might this true friend be? All kinds of traits crop up. Depending upon a person’s circumstances different personality traits might be more valuable at one time than another. However, it is not just the friend’s traits that are important, it is also how one perceives that friend. In musing about the nature of a true friend certain elements standout: unquestioned caring, respect, and deep understanding leading to a devoted trust, all of which take time to establish. While a family setting may provide a fertile ground for such a relationship to grow, my novel, Baggage burdens. shows other settings too.

Sometimes it is not easy to qualify to be someone’s true friend. Jill, the protagonist, in my novel is such a person.  Because of some very stressful past relationships, Jill has promised herself that no one again will ever control or influence her. Rely on yourself. Trust no one. She told herself. For more than twenty years she honors that commitment. Only a few people (Joseph, her husband, Julie her second cousin, Mary, a friend and employer, and Bill, a Family Conference friend) have temporarily gained her trust and influenced Jill. The only person Jill feels she has absolute love, admiration, respect, and trust for her is Amanda, Jill’s eldest daughter. It is Amanda who will initiate a profound and ultimately a life-changing challenge for Jill.

A voice wakes Jill. Scrambling to grasp reality Jill guesses she hears Amber from the kitchen. ‘She’s home so soon. Oh yes. It’s Saturday. The groceries.’ Jill quickly manufactures a confident face for her daughter. Together they put the groceries away.

Jill is unaware that Amber is biding her time. Amber’s brother and some boys from the church are painting the fence for the Boys and Girls Club. Sarah is at her part time job. When the groceries are put away, Amber fires her first question.

“How did you get home from the hospital Thursday?”

“What do you mean how?” Jill buys time to consider her response.

“Just that. How did you get home? Who brought you?”

“A cab. Why?”

“Didn’t Mr. Wynchuk offer you a ride?

“I guess.”

“You guess?”

“Okay. Yes he did.”

“And you didn’t let him take you home?”

“Maybe I didn’t want him to know where we live.”

“Buuull shiiiit!” Amber’s voice reaches two octaves above her previous question.

“Amber! Your language!”

“What? You find it offensive? It stinks? I can understand that. It’s like your last answer. It stinks. It stinks so bad I have to turn my face away.”

“Amber, you’re over reacting.”

“You expect me to believe you were worried Mr. Wynchuk would know where we live? Don’t you think he was visiting Dad and the rest of us while you were in the hospital? Come on?”

It never occurred to Jill that Bill spent time with her family. ‘I thought he’d only phone them.’

“He helped us in so many ways. How could you? How could you ditch him?”

“For that very reason,” Jill fires back confident she is about to gain the upper hand. “He’s done so much for us. I’ll never be able to repay him. The worse thing I can do is add to that debt.”

“Your debt? You think he was only helping you. Let me tell you he was helping the whole family.”

Amber reads Jill’s surprise.

“Yes, the whole family, Sarah, Matthew, Daniel, me and Aunt Julie.”

“Really!”

“Julie couldn’t take care of all of us so I got farmed out to Daniel. He and I fought. Then Dad came. Who do you think convinced Dad to come?”

“Daniel.” Jill answers confidently.

“Wrong! Mr. Wynchuk. He talked Dad into coming back while you were in the hospital. Mr. Wynchuk said we all really need his help.”

“Oh no.” Shock wracks Jill’s response.

“So you see if there is a debt then it is one that the whole family owes Bill, not just you. Right?”

Amber’s pause forces a nod from Jill.

“But with Mr. Wynchuk there is no such thing as debt. He’s helping because he cares a lot for us. He expects nothing in return.”

Amber sees and ignores Jill shaking her head in disagreement.

“Do you know he picked us up after you were in the accident?”

Jill nods.

“Do you know he visited you almost every day that you were in the hospital?”

“I heard something about that.”

“And why do you think he was so attentive?”

“I don’t know.”

“Are you blind? Can’t you see he loves you?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. You’re too young to know about love.”

“He does. Who else would lavish so much attention on anyone?”

“You’re too young to know about that kind of love.”

“Really! Then why do you think he devotes so much time to you?”

“I told you I don’t know. But it’s not love. I haven’t given him any reason to love me.”

“So I’m too young to know what’s going on. And you’re, you’re too, too confused to know what’s going on. How about Aunt Rebecca? Do you think she has a good grasp of reality? Would you trust what she says?”

Not knowing what else to do, Jill nods.

“She thinks Mr. Wynchuk is a lonely man.”

“Nonsense.”

“Ask her. I did.”

“He has lots of friends in church and at the Wellness Center.”

 “Aunt Rebecca says since he lost his wife he has no one with whom he trusts to share his private thoughts, his hopes, his concerns. Certainly the people at the Wellness Center wouldn’t qualify. They have enough troubles of their own. Aunt Rebecca says he has a hard time sharing anything really personal. Only now, after Uncle Thomas and Aunt Rebecca have invited him for supper to their place several times is he starting to open up.”

“Sharing personal things? Like what?”

“I don’t know. Aunt Rebecca wouldn’t say. Has he ever shared anything really personal with you?”

Jill thinks back to the time when they were in Chicago. Revelations about being unable to help Donna, about being uncomfortable sitting by her still body surface.

Jill's non-answer prompts, “He has. I can see it in your face. You see. He is lonely. He’s looking for some one to love, someone to love him.”

Jill shakes her head.

“Don’t believe me? Then ask Aunt Rebecca. Those were her conclusions.”

Jill leans against the counter as if she can’t concentrate enough to keep her balance.

“And how did you treat him? He offered to drive you home. And you took a cab. You let him come for nothing. You made him look like a fool.”

“Hey! Where are you getting all this?”

“I told you Mr. Wynchuk came to Aunt Rebecca’s dinner on Friday. He was hurt. I’ve never seen him so low. He told us you left before he got there. He learned you took a cab. It’s like you didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. He couldn’t figure out what he’d done wrong. Uncle Thomas and Aunt Rebecca tried to lift his spirits, but they didn’t really succeed. Mom. How could you be so mean? He’s such a nice man.”

“Amber, I’ve missed six weeks of my life. I’m still trying to get my bearings.”

Jill looks at her daughter who is expecting a reasonable explanation. She wants to say she needs time to adjust to the changes she’s seen in the family. They’re so unexpected. Adding the wrinkle of another person would be too much to handle.

 ‘No. Amber can’t suspect I can’t cope.’ Watching Amber’s faith in her dissolve forces Jill to say, “Maybe I misread things.” Jill hopes her confession dampens Amber’s anger.

“Then you should explain that to Mr. Wynchuk. Call him up. Apologize. Even invite him over for supper, like we used to.”

“I don’t know Amber.”

“Well, you better do something, because right now your actions are stinking up this whole place.

        haiku capsule:                 

Daughter’s biting words     

“Redeem a hurting friendship.”

A repentance call.

Next blog:  Three Blind Men

"You're Wrong." A Matter of Perspective

“You’re Wrong.” A Matter of Perspective   

You’re wrong is an unwelcome comment, especially if it applies to areas of personal interest. What makes one way of doing something better than another way? Value for a particular behavior is often amplified if harm is perceived when there is a departure from the norm. However harm, like beauty, is seen in the eyes of the beholder. Disagreement on the potential injury makes a resolution difficult. A contest of wills may begin. When community standards are challenged, social disapproval often forces most deviating individuals to comply. The problem with using peer pressure is, it is ineffective when a person doesn’t feel like they are an important part of the group. Attempts to ostracize a challenging person could drive them from the community. A shortsighted reaction may say good rid dens. That person is now someone else’s problem.

While social peace may result if another group welcomes that person, a strong-willed isolated person may harbor anger and seek ways to strike back. A person with a low self-esteem may try to escape from reality, from the impression that they are unworthy of a degree of flexibility. Drugs or alcohol become routes to flee from an intolerant society. Flight from an unfriendly group may also take the form of suicide.

How a rejected person may respond is too difficult to predict. What is certain is that, most of the time; hurt individuals rarely can initiate their own healing. Some one else needs to show an interest, a respect. a value for them. Hopefully the sympathizers are ones who build community and not try to punish it.

In my novel, Baggage burdens. Jill finds herself on the fringes of a community because of her efforts to complete her high school education. She places herself further outside their mores when she chooses to home school her daughter. Her strong will and supportive husband enables her to survive but not be happy. Eventually Jill learns that she was wrong to think that her differing perspectives on how to live life would be compatible. Unfortunately the learning path involved much pain.

 “You don’t think I know what the people here think of me and why? Just because I enjoy spending time with my children and teaching and seeing my children learn, they think I’m some kind of alien or weirdo. For some reason they feel threatened. I don’t say they should do what I’m doing. But they have no right to try to tell me what to do either.”

Joseph imagines which parents Jill is referring to. ‘Perhaps Gertrude.’

“They don’t accept me. And if they think I’ll change for them they’re badly mistaken. I’m not going to let them or anyone control me.”

Jill keeps a firm control on the volume of her voice, but her tone tells Joseph why her face is red; her hands are clenched.

 “Jill. I want you to know that I haven’t forgotten the suggestion you made about us moving to Camrose. As you can imagine, it is a difficult decision for me to make.” He sees Jill nodding. “You do still want to move, don’t you?”

“Yes,” Jill answers simply and without hesitation.

“Perhaps you can help me again appreciate why such an action is so important for you.” He faces Jill.

Jill thinks for a while. When she speaks, her words come out in a calm confident voice, as if she anticipated the request. “When we went out for dinner, our fourteenth anniversary I think, I asked you to explain why you decided that Daniel should continue going to the church school. Remember?”

Joseph nods.

“You said what makes Daniel happy is being with his friends.” Again Jill waits for Joseph to nod. “That same idea applies to me. I don’t have any friends at your church. Oh, they tolerate me, but they aren’t my friends.”

Jill sees Joseph take a deep breath. Anticipating his objection she quickly adds, “Except for Rebecca, Rebecca and Thomas.

“Don’t think I haven’t heard the whispers about me being headstrong, not knowing my place, feeling I’m too good for them. I’ve heard it all.” Decibels rise in Jill’s voice. I know they don’t like the fact that I took courses to improve myself and that I’m homeschooling my girls. I’ve tried to explain to them why I want to do it. The next week I hear the same people griping about the same thing. I might as well have been talking to a wall. If they think I’m going to change to suit them, they’re dead wrong. No one is going to control me.”

 haiku capsule:                 

Dare to be yourself.     

Wrong to ignore peer pressure.

You chose loneliness.

Next blog:  Change Agent