Quitting

Quitting

  Quitting, an act of desperation, even frustration, suggests there’s no longer any hope. The possibility of achieving the dream or goal is vanished. Why pour out more time, energy, or money?

For some, the journey to a goal is sufficient reward. If you’re competing to have the best landscaped yard in the community and a wealthy neighbor pours thousands of dollars into the same project, winning may seem impossible, especially if you don’t have that kind of money. However, if the planting and the sight of flowers and shrubbery adorning the area surrounding your house is a joy, then there’s no reason to quit.

Another factor that would throw cold water on a dream is if pursuing the goal suddenly becomes harmful. Imagine the backyard gardening project that you are working on takes place in a large stretch of desert. You learn that rattlesnakes frequent the proposed patch. That would certainly make me throw in the towel.

While either motivation can justify giving up on a dream, what does it take to give up on a marriage? You, no longer being the source of joy for your spouse may cause you to give up on the marriage. Eyes may drift looking for a new partner. Still peace in the household may be enough to preserve the marriage. Disturb that peace by a spouse becoming negative, critical, or nagging. Now, the home has become a battleground, a place of attacks. Be on your guard. The emotional impact of the aggressive environment can drive one to give up on the marriage no matter how committed they want to be.

Giving up is a frequent theme in my novel, Baggage burdens. Jill runs away from her grandmother, the one who rescued her when she was homeless, the one who helped her with her high school courses and gave her a house to live in, a house that sat in a park like setting. At the time Jill felt like she was in heaven. She could even pursue her drama involvement dreams. Then she gave up this dream-life. Her grandmother was bringing her former boyfriend to see her. Jill, giving up on this ideal home setting, speaks to the great harm she perceived by renewing a relationship with her former boyfriend.

For Joseph, a man of faith, divorce was not an option. He felt very lucky that a beautiful girl married him. Jill had some emotional problems, but he was determined to do whatever he could to make her happy. He didn’t mind appearing to be a fool in the eyes of the community for having chosen her. He didn’t consider himself a great catch either. Once they moved into the city everything changed. Making her happy became more and more difficult, more and more expensive. This he could handle for the sake of the children. When Jill began turning their children against him––his eldest daughter for the first time said she hated him––he decided his marriage was no longer worth saving. He quit trying.

“I really need your help,” Jill repeats. She cries. 

Karen waits until Jill controls her sobbing.

“What is it Jill?  What’s the matter?” She gently squeezes Jill’s hand hoping to suggest strong support.

 “I want you to help me move out.” Jill pauses looking into Karen’s eyes. “To Camrose.” 

The expected wide-opened eyes registers on Karen’s face. There’s no hint of rejection.

Karen immediately thinks of her friends in Camrose. Who could best support Jill? “Certainly, but why?”

I have to get away from here as soon as possible.” After a pause, Jill adds, “By Monday morning.” Again she searches Karen’s eyes for a hint of reluctance or disagreement. 

Bewildered, Karen tries again. “Jill, what’s happened? You’ve got to tell me.” 

“Promise not to tell anyone, including Linda?”

“I swear,” assures Karen instantly.

Jill begins with her grandmother’s announcement. She's bringing Dave to visit her. Jill states she wants nothing to do with Dave, leaving out any reference to his brother, Greg.

“You sound like you still have some feelings for Dave. Are you really sure you want nothing to do with him?” 

Looking at Karen’s face Jill senses Karen’s unvoiced bewilderment. 

‘Could Karen end up becoming an ally of my grandmother’? I can’t let that happen.’

“I can’t. Not at this time,” answers Jill firmly.

Her answer comes so quickly and confidently that Karen abandons exploring that option.

Karen nods her understanding. “What can I do?” 

“Help me get set up in Camrose. That’s where you lived before moving here, right?” 

Karen nods. “If you mean for a job, I think I can. I’ll have to make a phone call first, a little later this morning.”

“And a place to live?”

“If I’m right, the people I’m thinking of should be able to help you with that too.” 

“Listen, I really hate to be such a bother, but I’ll also need a ride to the train station early Monday morning. And I’ll need a little help with my luggage.” 

Karen nods in agreement again. “Like some help packing after we’ve had some sleep?” 

Jill glances at the stove clock. ‘Three thirty!’ Jill accepts Karen’s suggestion for some sleep. With support for her escape plan, Jill succumbs to six more hours of sleep.

haiku capsule:

journey to your dream

destination disappears

drive evaporates

                   

      Next blog: SEX - Love Sign

I'm Afraid

I’m     Afraid

 “Afraid? Who me? No way.”

Who in their right mind would confess to being afraid, being vulnerable? Maybe to a close very trusted friend. Never shine a light on your weakness. Someone is sure to take advantage. Unrealistic reaction? Not if you have suffered at the hands of self-centered individuals several times.

So if circumstances raise your fear adrenalin, what do you do? Some people fake it. Some choose anger or humor to camouflage your anxiety. Others choose to remove themselves from perceived threatening situations––runaway. For people who choose to believe that a strong offence is the best defense, then those people choose to control their environment and people around them.

Reason might suggest that bursts of anger may end up isolating you. Running doesn’t solve the problem. In time the threat will resurface. Attempt to control people and you could find friction erupting. Even an alternative, prepare to face the threat and resolve the problem, while it is solid advice it is easier said than done.

Fear is an emotion. It isn’t logical. That’s the first step in understanding the actions of Jill, in my novel, Baggage burdens. For Jill, facing her threat is a nonstarter. When she confronted her intoxicated father, the result was a beating, a beating several times. Exercising control over her father or her giving way to angry outbursts was ineffective. What else was she to do but runaway? That strategy too had painful consequences. While analyzing the options that she could use might have resulted in her choosing the least harmful, Jill was too busy trying to survive. What she needed to reverse her downward spiral was right beside her, but it was hidden in a fog of fear and anger. Only when her emotions cooled to a simmer would she find the answer to living a life of peace.

Confront Your Problem

The back door slams announcing the arrival of Jill’s father. 

‘No, no.’ Jill tries to stop the rerun of this childhood memory.

“He said he wouldn’t drink anymore!” Jill’s outburst erupts, as she fails to contain her haunting memory. Righteous anger forces the seventeen year old to her feet to face her father. “He’d better go downstairs and call his AA buddy.” Jill summons her courage; then advances, intent to demonstrate her conviction and redirect her father downstairs.

Alice scrambles after her angry daughter. “Jill, don’t.”

“Don’t what? That was the deal. He said if he ever comes home drunk again we could tell him he had to call his AA buddy. We could remind him of it. He agreed to that. Remember?” The volume of her voice rises.

Jill advances again toward the top of the stairs planning to meet her father before he reaches the top step. The smoke from the cigarette, which he tossed on the top of the stairs nips at her nostrils. ‘Step on it,’ flashes through her mind. Before she can act, her mother’s objection interrupts.

 “Yes, but . . .” 

Jill wheels around and faces her mother. “But what?”

Alice can’t find the words quickly enough to explain how Jill’s provocative voice could ignite an emotional explosion and possibly a violent confrontation. The frustrated growling from the porch announces an intoxicated struggle to get out of outside clothes.

“Let me talk to him. Pleeease go to your room.” Alice’s pleading voice weakens Jill’s resolve.

Grumbling continues to bounce off the porch walls.

Go to your room. Quickly.” Alice sees her desperate pleading reduce Jill’s resolve. “Remember last time,” she adds.

Alice’s reference ignites the fear Jill hoped to permanently suppress. Three months earlier, overflowing with confidence from her year of weight training and the school’s women’s defensive course, Jill confronted her drunken father in the kitchen. She dared to challenge his behavior. Result: a neck jarring slap in the face. With pent up fury Jill delivered a similar action.

Her father exploded.

Jill deflected his first swing. More swiftly followed. His first direct hit landed Jill on the floor. Her single opportunity to escape resulted in him grabbing her hair and yanking her back. Sitting on her, he slapped her left and right again and again until Alice struck his head with a cast iron frying pan. Police were called again. Warnings were issued. Promises were made. Three weeks passed before Jill’s bruises disappeared, and she could face her classmates.

haiku capsule:

violence breeds fear

emotional responses rule

life in disarray

                   

      Next blog: QUITTING

A Scary Effect of Alcohol Abuse

A Scary Effect of Alcohol Abuse

A scary effect of alcohol––many stories can leap out from the darkness, the least of which might be of splitting hangovers following a night of drinking. Some stories cry out the pain of having lost a loved one, or even worse of one maimed by a person driving over the legal limit.

Of particular concern to me were stories shared by students in confidence about a parent in denial about an alcohol addiction. Their social and emotional effects begged for action. The teacher hopes that with help the student’s emotional scars would heal. Help doesn’t always come. Help isn’t always effective. Then what? Marking, lesson preparation and demands from other students leave little time to consider any long-term effects of a child’s abuse.

Then one day an alcohol-abused child’s reality hit. It was like seeing an unlucky hiker have part of her leg blown off. Instead of seeing a bleeding leg, arm, or face, words of fear, anger and vulnerability spewed out like a volcano spitting out its unwanted burning lava and boulders injuring close by family and friends.

A guarded thirty-year truth slowly crawls out to gentle listening ears. Weird actions of this strange person, this abused person begin to make sense. The shield of distrust returns. The opportunity for healing fades, but the lesson that a child’s psychological scars can last for a lifetime remains. The sins of the drinking parent can inflict harm to the child, the child's future family and future friends.

The horror is this nitroglycerine personality walks among us, undetected until it blows up. The volatile abused person often is unfairly faulted for reactions it had no real desire to release. The cause, the alcohol abusive parent, remains hidden, unchecked, unhealed.

The adult life of a victim-child is featured in my novel Baggage burdens. Her story, Jill’s story, is one of a teenage girl who flees from home because of her drinking father. The survival lessons she learned at home guide her as she attempts to rebuild her life. Unfortunately her defensive strategies often create more troubles in her life. What’s the answer? Jill doesn’t find out until her life hits bottom, like that of an alcoholic. Her road to healing forces her to face facts she would rather avoid.  

Jill’s hell

Overflowing with confidence from her year of weight training and the school’s women’s defensive course, Jill confronted her drunken father in the kitchen. She dared to challenge his behavior. Result: a neck jarring slap in the face. With pent up fury Jill delivered a similar action.

Her father exploded.

Jill deflected his first swing. More swiftly followed. His first direct hit landed Jill on the floor. Her single opportunity to escape resulted in him grabbing her hair and yanking her back. Sitting on her, he slapped her left and right again and again until Jill’s mother struck his head with a cast iron frying pan. Police were called again. Warnings were issued. Promises were made. Three weeks passed before Jill’s bruises disappeared, and she could face her classmates.

haiku capsule:

Alcohol anger

life long scars haunt grandchildren

party hangover

                   

Next blog: Help?––Hell no.

BEST Friend TRAIT

BEST Friend TRAIT

In reading about Joseph, in Baggage burdens. one might suspect his best friend was his dog, Butch. The time that impression may arise is when Joseph mourns the death of his dog, the one who most accepted him as he was.

Then Thomas and Joseph dug a shallow grave for Butch near the spot where he died. After temporarily marking the grave with a stick, Thomas sat with Joseph for the rest of the afternoon by the grave as Joseph talked about his lost friend.

Can a caring friend create such a feeling of loss? Many people can be supportive, helpful, encouraging, but cross them, blame them for something they haven’t done, ignore them and the friendship bond dissolves. Not a true friend you might say, but what if an accusation is cutting, cutting to the bone, what if an accusation is held without explanation for some time? Can a simple apology mend the broken relationship? In such circumstances, when the answer is, “yes,” then you know you have found a real friend. Such a friend has the critical trait of being forgiving. It is important to note that the forgiving quality is present in the friend even before an apology. Sadly that trait may not make that forgiving person a “best” friend, even though they probably are.

In the novel, Baggage burdens.  the troubled protagonist, Jill, suddenly rejects her caring neighbor, Rebecca. Rebecca and Jill had been friends for a number of years. By Jill’s admission, Rebecca did nothing wrong, but Jill still wanted nothing more to do with her neighbor.

“Jill, remember a little earlier you asked if something is wrong?”

Jill nods before she takes a sip of her tea. 

“Well, something has been concerning me.” Joseph waits until she finishes the cake in her mouth.  “Why have you been avoiding Rebecca? Did she say or do something wrong?”

 “No. I just don’t want to have anything to do with her any more.”

Jill’s calm response encourages Joseph to pursue the matter. “It’s surprising. When you returned from the hospital, Rebecca visited you every time I went to the market. Then all of sudden she’s not welcome at Daniel’s birthday, at our Thanksgiving dinner, at our wedding anniversary and at your birthday.”

Jill interrupts. “I just don’t want to be around her any more. Is there anything wrong with that?” A note of annoyance creeps into Jill’s response.

 “If she’s done something wrong, I know she’d like to make it up to you.”

“Look, she didn’t do anything wrong.”

Jill wants to invite Rebecca and Thomas to Joseph’s birthday party. She phones and apologizes for her self-imposed seclusion. When Jill invites Rebecca, Rebecca accepts. To Jill’s surprise at the party Rebecca shows no sign of irritation. Jill feels completely forgiven. What a friend she has in Rebecca.

With the meal finished and dishes cleaned, Jill and Rebecca walk along the driveway admiring the raised flowerbed that she and Joseph prepared for planting. Jill is pleased at how easy it is to talk with Rebecca. ‘It’s as if there never was any misunderstanding.’ She finds herself sharing a dream, she hasn’t told Joseph about.

Jill tells about her plans to convert each boxed structure into a rose bed. Pointing to bare spots among the perennials, she predicts which rose will be most appropriate. Her plans include asking Joseph to help her shop for the flowers.

“Do you think he’ll come?’ she asks nervously.

“Of course,” says Rebecca. “ I think he’ll be thrilled to work with you on it.” They turn to head back to the house, then stop. They hug like long-time friends.

Jill also has a forgiving friend in the person of Bill. He frequently visited her during her weeks in the hospital. When Jill was ready to go home, she didn’t have a ride. Bill offered to drive her home. Jill said nothing. When Bill came to the hospital, he learned she’d taken a taxi an hour earlier. Jill’s daughter’s passion criticism caused Jill to phone and apologize to Bill. His gracious response surprised her.

Jill calls Bill at a time when she believes Bill is finishing his lunch. She expects a cutting remark when Bill hears her. It’s not his nature, but she feels she deserves it. She’s been home for more than a week, and she hasn’t called him to explain her hospital departure. To her surprise she receives a casual greeting. He politely enquiries about how she is adjusting to home life. His accepting attitude to her apology surprises her.

Jill admits that she was wrong to leave the hospital instead of waiting for him. No sooner does she begin with “I wasn’t thinking clearly” than Bill stops her.

“No need to explain. I thought you might want some time to adjust being home, to talk with your children.”

Jill’s speechless. He voices one of her excuses. Relief sweeps over her.

Remembering the other reason for her phone call, Jill tells him that she and the children would like him to join them for supper next Sunday. She includes the children in the invitation because she feels that Bill might not want to come if it is only her desire. She can’t fully believe that Bill has no hard feelings about her deserting him.

Bill accepts.

haiku capsule:                 

I         am here for you

when you would least expect it

gracious quality

Next blog: Alcohol’s Scary Effects

A Pet's Place

A Pet’s Place in a Home

“For some people who live in poverty or are homeless, their pets are their children.” So observes the Mustard Seed, an Edmonton non-profit organization that has been caring for people in poverty since 1984. Elderly or single people living by themselves may experience very strong sense of loss if their pet dies. A pet’s unconditional acceptance makes them part of the family with a treasured place in the home.

Introduce a spouse or children into the home. While the pet’s love doesn’t change, their position of importance in the family drops. The need for caring companionship is replaced by ones of greater significance. For the pet that may seem unfair, but their capacity for unconditional acceptance enables them to cope with the change.

 A person’s attachment to its pet is profound as is seen in my novel, Baggage burdens. The death of Butch leaves Joseph in shock even though he inherited his uncle’s dog only two years earlier. The dog had worked its way not only into Joseph’s home but his heart too. The quiet disappearance of Princess, the cat, has little effect. One might hypothesize that the bond between man and dog is naturally stronger and that may be. However, at the time that the cat’s presence drifts away Joseph is married and has a son. They grant him the companionship that he desires.

Thomas and several neighbors were rebuilding a workshop for Joseph. The old one had burned down. A truck carrying lumber spilled its load. Butch was found beneath it. 

“You were devastated,” said Thomas looking at Joseph. 

He had nodded momentarily reliving the event. “Two years earlier I lost Uncle Mike. Then Butch. All I had left was you and Rebecca.” 

Thomas sat with Joseph while the other men picked up the lumber. Then Thomas and Joseph dug a shallow grave for Butch near the spot where he died. After temporarily marking the grave with a stick, Thomas sat with Joseph for the rest of the afternoon by the grave as Joseph talked about his lost friend.

haiku capsule:                 

a dog, man’s best friend

wife, children, nothing’s better

dearest companions

Next blog: Traits of a Good Friend