Be A Really Helpful Friend

To Be a Really Helpful Friend

What does it take to be a really helpful friend? I don’t mean that you are willing to visit a neighbor, a colleague if they are ill or lend him your lawnmower, your skill saw or your car. Most people can pass those short-term tests with little difficulty.  What about being there for one who has deep emotional problems.  They require more than a listening ear. One might think that’s a job for a committed professional. Can a caring friend meet such professional standards?

Consider a person who has been traumatized during late high school years by a frequently drunk father, frequently violent father. Verbal and physical abuse eats away even at a strong self-image. When the emotional pain is fresh and easily visible, a comforting ear helps to create a bit of a balance for the distraught individual. If emotional assaults have time to nest, more than time is needed.

Alcohol fueled blame and guilt attacks can weaken one’s trust in others. They can poison one’s positive attitude about self and the future. Admitting to living in a survival-mode-lifestyle is embarrassing, especially in the presence of successful friends. Maybe slivers of festering wounds will be shared with an accepting person, but no more is often revealed. For a crippled ego how much lack of competence in handling your own affairs can be uncovered? To whom is it best to expose your perceived closet skeletons––a gentle caring person who you won’t see again, or a long time friend whose has proved to be accepting and also willing to be burdened with your sorrows? 

What does it take to support a person who is afraid to show one’s past burning sores? Being accepting is insufficient. One must be perceived to be accepting. Any misdeed or misunderstanding can wash away the image of being a true friend. Time and patience for a person when they are in need is critical. A person carrying baggage from the past cannot unpack until they themselves feel comfortable to do so, or they feel an internal pressure to open up. Needed time may take years. That is a lot of patience to ask for, but it still is not enough. Being there for someone also means having a thick skin. A hurting person can strike out to relieve pressure or reject you as a comforter.

Such a troubled person is revealed in my novel, Baggage burdens. Jill, the protagonist, experienced her father’s alcoholic rages and violence. To preserve her sanity she ran away from home, but she could not run away from the memories that haunted and shaped her. Even though Jill had many caring people helping her––grandmother, girlfriends, male friends, husband, niece, employer––it took her more than twenty-five years before she was willing to crack open the closet door and shine the light on her hidden tormenting ghosts. Internal personal pressure and a faulty friend motivated her to start to embark on healing actions.

Meet Jill’s Faulty Accepting Friend.

Pointing her finger at her mom, Amber says, “Then you should explain that to Mr. Wynchuk. Call him up. Apologize. Even invite him over for supper, like we used to.”

“I don’t know, Amber.”

*   *   *

Amber’s accusation, How could you be so mean to such a nice man? weighs heavily on Jill. To escape the crawling guilt, she turns her attention to a cramped feeling.

*   *   *

Knowing that Bill serves at the Wellness Center in the evenings, Jill calls at lunchtime. She expects a cutting remark when Bill hears her on the line. It’s not his nature, but she feels she deserves it. She’s been home from the hospital for more than a week, and she hasn’t called him to explain her quick departure. To her surprise, she receives a casual greeting. He politely inquiries about how she is adjusting to home life.

Jill admits that she was wrong to leave the hospital instead of waiting for his promised ride home. No sooner does she begin with “I wasn’t thinking clearly…” than Bill stops her.

“No need to explain. I thought you might want some time to adjust to being home, to talk with your children.” His accepting attitude to her apology surprises her.

Jill is speechless. He voiced one of her prepared excuses. Relief sweeps over her. Remembering the other reason for her phone call, Jill tells him that she and the children would like him to join them for supper next Sunday. She includes the children in the invitation because she thinks that Bill might not want to come if it is only her desire. She can’t believe that Bill has no sore feelings about her deserting him. Still thinking that Bill will reject her offer; she has prepared herself to tell Amber that she tried.

Bill accepts her invitation.

haiku capsule:

a teen age victim

emotionally shaken

feelings hidden deep

                   

      Next blog:   Closet     S k e p t i c